Monday, December 17, 2007

Dear Mama,

I miss you more and more everyday. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I miss your presence. I wish you're here to talk to me. There are things I believe that only you can put a stop to. I miss texting you, "Mama, arayat!"...and you will always give me a call. I miss your picture on my phone. Yes, it sounds so silly, but I ring my phone once in a while just to see your picture. Yes, in seven days, it's going to be my 30th birthday. I wish you're still here. I'm going to miss your surprise gift this Christmas. I will miss your pancit. I love you Mama. I miss you so much!!!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Sad but happy...tired but at peace

I still feel so tired...I was on the road for almost five days...include two days before those travels without sleep.

I attended the hearing for the first was like going through August 6, 2007 again. The same story from the witness that I read and re-read, heard a hundred times over...but it was like listening to the story of how my Mom died for the first time.

I am really so grateful that the witness stood up to the truth...

...oh well, it was my first time...somebody even accused us of not wanting to cooperate because we are born-again...ha ha ha...they did not even call us kaya!

...and then came Lola.

87 years old, internal bleeding caused by a tumor in her tummy.

Oh well, she doesn't like to undergo operation. She's old she said. But she has two wishes - for her to see Rianne graduate in Law School and for me to have another baby. He he he. Lola is so funny even during crisis.

I praise God for His is always more than enough. Even under stress, under pressure, even if faced with problems, I can still feel his peace. God is really good.

I saw a friend yesterday and she really told me "nakakabilib kayong magkapatid. you are so strong"...Yes, we are strong because our God is living and faithful.

"Though war break out against me, even then will I be confident...".

God is good all the time...
All the time, God is good!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

My memories of Christmas

1. Papa waking me up very early, greeting me happy birthday;
2. Papa's stories on how he was fixing the windows in the bedroom the day I was born;
3. My plans of not having a birthday party, with Mama agreeing, but at 3pm, she will always have plenty of food ready on the table;
4. Mama's surprises;
5. Lolo Kito's and Lola Febe's excitement everytime they open gifts from Rianne and I;
6. Auntie Edna always missing on Christmas day;
7. Mama's pansit and kankanen;
8. Mama's story the day I was born;
9. Rianne's cheap but memorable birthday gifts;
10. Exchanging gifts with Auntie Reina;
11. Bonfire in the "compound";
12. Papa watching;
13. Last minute grocery with Mama;
14. Carlo's surprise appearance a year before we got married;
15. Watching Rianne open gifts of Mama.

It's so nice to be a child. I miss being one...
I am blessed to have a family like mine, who saw to it that I have a happy and memorable childhood, despite our being imperfect.
I miss Papa, I miss Mama, I miss Lolo Kito...but I always cherish the memories I have of them...

I will also see to it that Rhyss will have the best memories in his childhood...more than the good memories I had as a child

Sunday, November 25, 2007

The Rapids

Be still.
Enjoy the cold breeze
The backdrop of the blue sky
The hovering birds
The freshness of green.

The rushing water
The angry rapids
Hold on tight
Your knuckles turn white.

Breathe heavily
Row hard with the blue paddle
Careful not to hit the large sharp rocks
Don't topple down on the icy water.

Have sheer strong faith in the man at the helm.
Faith in yourself.

by Christine
edited by Rianne

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I Chronicles 4:9-10

Oh that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that you would keep me from evil.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

My Kalinga Experience

I had fun and adventure in Kalinga. I don't know how to swim, I don't even know how to fact, I am afraid of the water.
This was our boat - "Allasiw". I was with the best paddlers and swimmers, that there was really no need for me to paddle but hold on and pray hard that I will not fall down. Thanks to Sir Rene, Kuya Jun, Ma'am Marlyn and our tour guides, Kuya John and "Marine" (I forgot to get his name. But I will call him "Marine" because he graduated as seaman).
The boat almost flipped three times. I couldn't talk. I could not even shout...I don't know how many rapids we had to hurdle. Too many times, I asked our guides if we were already halfway through, if there was another way out, if there was a motor boat where I don't need to paddle and row.
But I am really so grateful, we went through the 3-hour rafting experience without falling, tripping, etc. Two boats flipped. The first group fell down but were able to climb back. A second group fell down, some hit the rocks, got hurt; while some drank to much water from the Chico River. Good for me, I was not able to see it (Good for us, we were saving the paddles from the first boat that fell down). But all went well and everybody enjoyed and treasured the experience. Some really wanted to give up and walk but there was really no way out but continue rafting.
That was some experience!!! But I learned what teamwork is with the experience; following the right instructions, listening to the leader, being united and obedience.
I enjoyed the experience the way I enjoyed entering the caves of Sagada...but in the process, I really miss sharing it with my Mom.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

November 1, 2007

Tomorrow, I will go to the cemetery for the first time...since Mama's death.
I refused to go there. I did not even go there when they were constructing it.
A form of denial I guess.

Part of me still feels that I can still go home to Bauang, see her, tell stories, watch her prepare what special food she has for us, remove her white hairs, have her massage my head...


Halsema Highway...milking cow of the privileged?

For a change, I am writing on a different topic.

I read the Midland Courier every sunday and I just don't feel comfortable with all the write ups about Mountain Province, specifically the Halsema Highway.

Like what Senator Miriam Santiago said, "pinag-aawayan nyo lang ang mga kickback nyo!"

Since I started travelling Halsema Highway in 1999, I see little improvement in the Mountain Province area. While the Benguet side is already paved and done with, the Mountain Province area is still the same "old rugged road".

Even with no articles in the Midland, even with no exposes, common sense will tell us that the Halsema Highway is the milking cow of the privileged. It is a perfect example of "corruption to the highest level". I have seen the studies done in the area, read it, and it is really so disgusting.

The paid ad about Juniper Dominguez...attacking his personality, telling everyone he is an ex-convict, etc...what does it have to do with his exposes on the Halsema Highway corruption? Personalan naman na to the highest level! Who are those who signed in the manifesto anyway? Can they say they are the most righteous contractors in Mountain Province? Can they say that they are more Honorable than Juniper Dominguez because they did not spend a single day in prison? Are they trying to say that ex convicts cannot be trusted? Can't they live changed lives? I believe...Juniper Dominguez is more honorable than them.

During the last elections, so much has been heard again about Mountain Province. I believe the bickerings is not political in nature. It is not even about the Anglican church...I think it is all about money. The contratas they can get. Who gets favored and how they are favored. Truth hurts.

Ineh! Mama, datusa an ipugao ay mangpakpakaan ken sak-en idi wada ak ed Sabangan. I see familiar names and signatures in the manifesto. People who called me Kulityagang. People who tried to initiate to oust me from Mountain Province because I am an Ilocano.

Now, with what you are doing, are you bringing glory or shame to Mountain Province?

Friday, October 26, 2007

Do I really have to?

Press conference?
I don't like it. For what?
Tell everyone I am grieving?
What for? Tell them Mama's death was politically motivated?
What else do I have to tell them?
That no lawyer would want to take on the case because they are afraid?
That whoever is interested to take on the case, is, in one way or the other, connected with the mastermind?
What else do people want to know, that they want to hear directly from me?

This is the only thing I want to say right now, and it is better if I don't go to those press conferences:

I am so disgusted. I am so the highest level.
They do not deserve their salary.
The "honorable" attached to their name should be "DISHONORABLE".
The title they worked so hard to get for eight long years, they do not deserve to have. Money is all that they wanted.
The system needs overhauling.

One day, soon...all their riches will be mine.
All that they have now, all they are holding on to right now, will go to nothing. It will be thrown in the pit.
One day, soon...they will realize, all power belongs to God.
Justice and vindication is in God's hands.

I will wait on God's justice and vindication.

I don't want to attend press conferences.
I don't want to attend rallies.

What for?
Forgiving everyday is already a struggle.
Get real.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I am not voting...yet

On October 29, 2007, many will be voting for the Barangay Elections. My Lolo Kito's brother is running for Barangay Captain in Sobredillo, where I vote. I would want to vote for him...but I have already decided not to vote since last month.

Not yet, that is. I don't know if I will vote...ever again. Maybe...but not in my hometown...anymore...i think. I don't know. I'm not really sure. Mama's death is still too painful.

I lost faith in it? Maybe. But I am not losing hope.

I am hoping that one day, a new breed of leaders will be seating. Not the politicians who are holding office, who are only after their own gains. Not "leaders" who will have people killed for their own ends. Not "leaders" who only enrich themselves. Not "leaders" who are so hungry for power.

In my lifetime, I would also like to see leaders who are really leaders. Leaders who respect the lives and the rights of their constituents. Leaders who fear God...who really fear in truly fear God.

I hope....I am praying for it.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Thank God!

I thank God for friends
I thank God for my Victory Christian Fellowship family
I thank God for Rianne
I thank God for Rhyss
I thank God for Carlo
I thank God for my TESDA-CAR family
I thank God for Jazel, Ate Kit, Ate Marife, Ate Daisy
I thank God for Homer's family who cares so much about my sister
I thank God for my small group - Kat, Aileen, Katrina, Ate Annie, Ate Janisal,
Ate Marie, Ate Gilda, Sarah
I thank God for my UP-IM friends
I thank God for Rianne's blockmates
I thank God for the Intercessory ministry
I thank God for Ate Julieta and Pastor Julius, Ate Rosy and Pastor Lino, Ate
Roselle, Perps, Ate Leila and Kuya Romy, Ate Kit and Kuya Jigs
I thank God for Ate Pia and Pastor Mike
I thank God for Lemuel
I thank God for Auntie Edna and Auntie Reina
I thank God for Uncle Aldong
I thank God for Lola Febe
I thank God for the Las-Ud family
I thank God for UCCP-Caba
I thank God for LGU-Bauang
I thank God for Sir Bobby and Ma'am Ruth Jo
I thank God for SPO1 Bernadette and Leo
I thank God for Manang Violy and Manong Danny
I thank God for Manang Maritess and Manong Tirso
I thank God for Manang Soling
I thank God for Manong Vic and Milyong
I thank God for Auntie Fe and her family and Auntie Tita
I thank God for the privilege of being raised up by Papa and Mama and for the
privilege being taken cared of by Lolo Kito
I thank God for everything that I am going through. I thank God for His grace.
I thank God for showing us favor. I thank God for He is sooo real.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I miss you mama!

Dear Ma, I am missing you so much. I still cannot sleep at night.
There is a pain I can't describe everytime I remember you.
I miss your phone calls every night.
You, knocking on the gate on a weekend.
You and I and Rhyss malling.
I miss texting you in the morning when I have to cook something I like but don't know how to.
Our "collaboration" against Rianne everytime she "breaks-up" with Homer.
It's silly but I ring your phone just to see your picture on my phone.
I wish I could remove your white hairs again.
I wish to hear your voice again.

Much as we want to fight for you, I get frustrated
The battle is tough. So tough that all I want to do now is wait on God's justice.
But praise God, in Him we have hope.
It really takes GRACE to forgive everyday, love, stand in faith.
I know you are happy where you are now.
But I really miss you sooooo much.

I know I love you. I know we're close.
But it was only when you were gone that I realized that you are one great source of my strength.
You are tough yet so gentle.
Remember how you were touched when I wrote you a letter that I could never be half as you are?
Yes...I could never be half as you are. I could never be strong, patient, kind, generous and loving as you are...but I really thank God for giving me a mother like you.
I miss you so much mama.
I love you very much.

Monday, September 10, 2007

A Prayer with Jazel: Lord, Criminal Lawyer Please!

Father, thank you for your grace which never ceases to amaze us
We thank you that we always have hope in You
at this time, we hold fast to the truth that You are a just God
We are entering an unfamiliar ball game
We don't know whom to approach, we don't know who's on our side, we really don't know anything
but what is comforting is we have You on our side
Father, send Christine and her family to the right people who could help them
help us discern which decisions to make
We can't do this on ourselves, direct us to the right contacts, right people, at the right time
and when all these will be done, may the people around us know that You are God
we know that You are using this situation for Your divine purpose, we ask that You be ahead of us in the battle
we pray specifically for the talk of &&&&&& with Atty. &&&&&& this afternoon
we commit all the decisions that they will have to do to You
may the result be one that pleases You
give them wisdom Father, and may integrity prevail
in Jesus' name, Amen.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007


Numb...sometimes I can't cry. The pain and the hurt is just so big and overwhelming no amount of tears can express it...

Unfocused...I have been consistently absent since I reported for work, unable to meet deadlines (I am not as fast and efficient). Rhyss has a total of 4 tardy marks in his handbook, forgotten 6x to put his snacks in his bag, forgotten n times to put his water jug for school, missed to check on his assignments a lot of times, failed to review him for quizzes several times. I failed to make 2 reaction papers in my Finance class...because I have this tendency to just stare in space...

Paranoid...I want to say "damn" all those people who are making it even harder for me. I want to say "the hell with them"...Meanwhile, I want to blacklist these numbers on my phone - 09219798078, 09282782916, 09215437813 - If you have nothing good to say, don't call or text. Get lost! I have nothing to do with you.

Hurt...too much!

Accused...maybe? I don't know... a way? much.

Monday, September 03, 2007

My God is a big God!

I have every reason to feel worried, discouraged and frustrated. But I will trust in my God. I will never let them steal my peace and my joy.

Though war breaks out against me, even then will I be confident. I will be secured because my God is sovereign. My God is a big God. There is no one like Him.

How powerful are these people that everyone cringe upon hearing their name? Who are they that they are feared so much? How rich are they that they can buy everything? Are they gods? Is justice for the rich only?

But God said in Proverbs 29:16, When the wicked thrive, so does sin, but the righteous will see their downfall. I still have faith in my God. He is the same God that Abraham, Moses and Isaac worshipped. The same God who brought the Israelites out of Egypt. The same God who parted the red sea. The same God who helped David defeat Goliath. The same God that Paul obeyed and preached.

My God is a big God. My God is greater. There is always a day of reckoning. Who can escape his justice? Can they outgive God? NO. Can they buy God? NO. For me, the Lord is to be feared, not man. Vindication comes from God. Justice comes from Him alone. (Proverbs 29:26 Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice).

There is no Lawyer yet. We don't have money to pursue the case. I do fear for my family's safety. But God is a righteous God. He is faithful. God's word will come to pass.

What can I do now? I will sit back, relax. Pray. Trust God. Honor God. Advance His kingdom.

Thursday, August 30, 2007


I don't like it. Why are some people so insensitive? Can't they understand it?
Do I need to tell them and remind them all the time that I am grieving?!?!
How dare them tell me they have sleepless nights thinking and working over my Mama's case...What do they think? What do they know? Do they mean to say, I am having sweet sleep at night, go out feeling safe, happy?

She is my mother. I am the daughter. How long did they work and live with my Mom? They only came to know about her when she got killed. Do they have memories together?!?!?

I am also having sleepless nights. I cry all the time. I think of her all the time. Every part of me cries out for her. I miss her so much. I LOST MY MOM. MY SISTER AND I ARE NOW ORPHANED...

Do they think I am happy? I do not even feel safe anymore. They usually shrug off threats...then what?!?! I get paranoid every time somebody knocks at our gate, everytime somebody is sitting at the waiting shade texting, everytime somebody stare at me on the jeep, everytime somebody sells something to me...what? Does it even matter to them if I receive texts from people I do not know? What?

Stop forcing me to do the things I do not like. The last time you forced me to do something I do not want to do, my blood pressure went up for three days...did you care?

Stop forcing me to do the things I do not like. The last time you forced me to do something I do not want to do, my cellphone never ceased to receive texts from people I do not know...did you care?

Much as I want to attain justice for my Mom, I also want my peace. I also want the safety of the people who matters to me...

Another death in the family is unbearable...

Stop calling me. Stop forcing me to attend all those... it never did me good.

Am I the source of evidences? Am I the source of documents? Am I the source of information?

What do I have to tell the people? I AM SAD. I AM GRIEVING. I MISS MY MOTHER. I WANT THE GUNMAN AND THE PERSON BEHIND THIS PUT IN JAIL. From August 6, 2007 until now, that is what I feel. Do I need to tell everyone everyday? remind them everyday?

Please, some respect!!!

I thank you for all the efforts to pin down the culprits. But I am not the investigator. I have my life too. I have to move on. And if you really care enough, then you should also learn to at least protect us...give us time to grieve also. Just give me time to at least put things into track...

Of course I am grateful for all the efforts. But please!!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Your grace is sufficient for me...

2 Corinthians 12:8-10

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Politicians vs. Leaders

I'm supposed to say politicians stinks...but of course not everyone.

There is a big difference between being a politician and being a leader.

A leader, who is in politics, is somebody who stands by the people. Upholds the people's rights and works for the best of the community, benefitting the constituents.

A politicking politician is somebody who harass people, who stand by what he thinks will benefit him the most, use people to achieve the things he wants.

When are we going to have more real leaders? Leaders who will stand by God's word, people who will stand up for what is right, people with integrity, people who are committed and courageous.

Is there hope?

Yes there is.

Right now I am praying for La Union and Mountain Province.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Oh Mom!

Everywhere I go, everything I see, reminds me of you...I try so hard to go to SM but every nook reminds me of the good times we you craved for food, your coffee breaks at Starbucks...

Even Rhyss cried when we went to SM last Sunday...Jollibbee, McDonalds, KFC...he miss you so much...

I always try ringing your phone, with the hope that you will answer...then we can giggle together on the about Rhyss, talk about Rianne's make-believe break ups...I'm always expecting your text in the morning, at night time...

"Uban sessions" in the afternoon...Watch ballroom dancing on tv Saturday evenings...

Mama, I miss you so much...

Friday, August 24, 2007

Psalm 27:1-6

The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?

When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.

Though an army beseige me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will be confident.

One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple.

For in the day of trouble, he will keep me safe in his dwelling; He will hide me in the shelter of His tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me; at His tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the Lord.

God's Amazing Grace

God is indeed faithful and true. I have experienced God's enabling is really sufficient.

Rianne and I went through a lot of pain but God saw us through...and as my sister's encouragement to me - God is holding us at the palm of His hand.
Psalm 37:25

"I was young, and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread."

God provided for everything we could ever ask for. He has given people to take care of us...peope we don't know being mindful of us. People we met for the first time telling us how good Mama was to them and how they like to do things for us in honor of our Mom...yes, we reap what we sow. And whatever we sow, it's not only us who will reap but our children (and even our children's children as well).

Psalm 116:15"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints."

I Corinthians 15:55-58

Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Yes, Mama was more than prepared. She was more than excited to meet God. We know, she is already walking in streets of gold and we can just imagine her excitement, her gladness, her peace, her joy as she worships and honors God.

I Peter 3:9

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Hard as it may seem, it was really God's enabling grace that gave me and Rianne the strength to talk to the gunman, prayed for him and forgave him. It was God's kindness and compassion. Mama's death seasoned us also and I believe, He has prepared our hearts and character to face such a difficult circumstance. He has enabled us to forgive according to His grace. And I know, we made Mama proud...knowing her, she would always say, "Bay-amun anak ko. Amu amin ni Apo Diyos dayta. Isuna ti makaammun".
Psalm 126:3-6
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.
God has given us peace all throughout. He is carrying us through this difficult time. Losing Papa nine years ago was already painful. But losing Mama now - in such a way - is really "devastating". But I thank God for His grace is sufficient. I thank God for His love. I thank God for He is the God of justice. I thank God for He is our vindicator.
Isaiah 66:13
As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.
God is a big God. We miss our Mom so much. We miss Papa so much. But God can comfort us and embrace us, more than Mama and Papa did. He loves us more than Mama and Papa loved us.
We were so privileged to be raised by Mama and Papa in such a short time. Two people I owe my life to. Raised me up to be the person I am now.
Yes, I will raise my son in such a way that I will also be a crown to my husband's head and a blessing to my son...
I may not be half the person Mama was...I may not have half of the strength she had...but I am still her daughter...and I have God on my side....

Sunday, July 08, 2007

I got robbed but there are still so many things I want to thank God for:

- the robber did not get my ATMs (including that of Carlo);
- the robber left me with some coins - enough for me to go to town and withdraw.
- the robber did not get any of my IDs, planners, notebooks, calling cards
- the robber did not get any of my USBs
- the robber only got my bag, no more no less (my cellphone and keys, were not in my bag)
- the robber just forced open the windows, not the doors
- Rhyss and I slept heavily with the lights turned on.

We are living in a compound. I am really wondering where the bad guys went in. All gates and doors were secured...locked...whatever they call it. I just like to think, the robber needs the money more than I need it.

Thursday, June 28, 2007


I have been working for (or with) the government since 1998. Coming from an NGO, it was totally a different "thing" for me to work for the government - organizational culture, system, process, etc.

My first exposure was in the LGU. They're nice people. But you can never get away with politics. They question your every move, why you got an appointment, who's backing you is like being in a small community.

Then I joined a national line agency. I wanted to back out then because there were so many intrigues. I was a neophyte, with so-so months of experience. There are staff who spent most of their lives with the organization and believed so much that they are the best for the position but never wanted to go to neverland...'was assigned to neverland, where people did not want Ilocanos and other races, where the "law of the land" will call you "kulityagang" (meaning moron, doesn't know anything, someone who has no respect, and all kinds of stuff you wouldn't want yourself being called) if you are not from neverland (but calls Ilocanos racist, bias, lookest down on them. Blah! the irony!). Hey, they even passed resolutions to evict me from neverland. Name it, they had it. (But of course, they could not evict me anymore because I got married with someone from neverland. Haha! And the "law of the land" my husband calls grandparents.)

Now that was my past experience...

Now I'm 8 years old in government service.

I have seen the best and the worst.

I got so disappointed recently. Imagine someone applying for a supervisory position, taking the exam for granted, undergoing interview texting and ending up with a comment like being the victim? Whaaaat?

Then coming up with all the accommodations so as to meet the minimum point requirement, then misinterpreting it to be "pagpapahirap". Whaaat?

...then spreading it to people who, obviously, do not believe in what the committee stands for.

When you do something right, they misinterpret it to be wrong. When you do something wrong, either they adore you or you get a complaint.

But how far will you go to get the position you want? That when disgruntled, unprofessionalism surfaces, "personalan" creeps in.

What I am pointing out now is, in the government, there should be a clear system and procedure in promotion and selection. The appointing head should not harass the committee specially if it is implementing the process accordingly.

Dissapointing really.

Monday, June 25, 2007


I really had a hard time figuring out my password I have it...I can start posting again. :)