Ala ni Daddy makaipakawa!

I was doing my regular grocery when I spotted Fox's candies.  There was a sudden rush of emotion.  I suddenly missed buying them for Daddy.

I was at the condiments section.  I saw a Kikkoman Soy Sauce.  I remembered how he wanted to eat chopsuey.  And as I was listing down the ingredients for Aldrin to buy, he specified we use Kikkoman for the soy. 

Then I remembered how I prayed while I was cooking the chopsuey.  And yes, he liked it!

After the funeral, we prepared for breakfast.  I went to buy bread.  I don't know why, but I wanted to prepare french toast.  After preparing one whole pack of bread french toast, my sister-in-law served it.  Then my brother-in-law came to me in the kitchen - "naimas met diay bread mo Christine." So I replied, "Hehehe. Laylayden et ni Daddy an kagtudi ya." Mama butted in, "Shadi an paborito na si Daddy yu."

How Daddy craved for yema in November when he was in the hospital and very critical.  I really looked for yema and it became known to my friends that Daddy wanted it so badly when they saw me buy all the yema sold by the students. 

I remembered how he discussed with Mama how he wanted to be buried and where.  He didn't like to be buried near the house.  He wanted to be in the cemetery.  Then Mama started to cry.  Then she said, "duwa kayo nga agsau kenni Christine!" And Daddy said, "saan aya nga isuntu met laeng ti papanan tayo amin?" Then he smiled his mischievous smile. 

How Daddy would ask me to pray for him everytime he is in pain or he is not okay. 

Oh Daddy, I am missing you.  I didn't know, and I didn't realize I cared for you like this.  I didn't know I would cry for you, too. 

I miss going to La Trinidad to visit you with my bees. The hospital visits. The sleepovers.  The little chats.  How you would talk to me about how you felt at that time - what pains you so much, what you would like to happen. 

Now, I will no longer be receiving any call from you...asking me what time we are coming.  You just don't know how I felt when you called me up while I was in the middle of a party, asked me whether I am coming or not because your gums are bleeding, you can't eat anything but lugaw.  So I rushed back home, got the blender and brought it to you, only to find out you are very okay, watching tv.  That's when I knew, close na tayo.

Looking back, when Carlo and I was still staying in Bontoc, our weekly visits would include newspapers and bread.  Yes, because you loved reading news and you liked eating bread.

How you appreciated the first time Carlo and I bought a cake on your birthday and told us it was your first time to have a birthday cake.

How you sacrificed your time and finances to see us during the time when things got rough between me and your son.  And how you assured me when you said that he can no longer go back home to you and to Mama if he continues messing up.

Thank you Daddy, for giving me the chance to be part of your family.  Thank you for your respect. Thank you for welcoming me into your family as a daughter.  

Most of all, thank you for giving me a chance to do things for you and to care for you, the same way I would if my Papa were still here.  It was a privilege to serve you, because it was like serving my Papa as well.  It felt good to pamper you, because I hadn't had the chance to pamper my Papa or even took care of him before he died.  Thank you Daddy for treating me as your daughter.

I know you're better now.  You are now walking in streets of gold.  You are now in a place where there is no more pain, no more hurts, no more worries.

I miss you Daddy.  The bees miss you too so much.  Thank you for being a Lolo to them. 

I will not be afraid of change because it will lead me to a new beginning.

The devil lies.
In fact, the devil doesn't know how to speak the truth.
- Joyce Meyer

Pride is the cousin of denial.
People live in denial because they are proud to admit that they were wrong.

Baguio City is really the home of honest taxi drivers!

This morning was not the first time I left something in a taxi.  I experienced dropping my cellphone and then nada.  It was different today.  The one I left cannot be replaced immediately...the documents of my brother in law that I am supposed to have signed by any of Daddy's doctors.  I was in a rush - from SLU Hospital, to Pines City Hospital, to AMDC and  I was supposed to go back to SLU then to Sto. Nino.

But I stopped first at AMDC, and made a call nearby to BGH.  After making the call, I realized, the documents were missing.  I rushed back to AMDC.  The Security Guard told me, a taxi driver came to return some documents but he returned it just the same because he cannot find Charlton anywhere in the building.  Of course he couldn't! Because he was never in the building.  I got so relieved when he gave me the number and yes, to make the story short, I got the papers back!!!

And yes, Tonton, if you ever get to read this, I almost jeopardized your 15 days vacation.  Thank God for working on my behalf.  And yes, I am so grateful to Rudy Diamas, the taxi driver who returned it.  And yes, I am so grateful I am from this city.

Rhyss and Arnis

Rhyss, are you still going to practice arnis? 
Yes, I will go tomorrow. 
Oh, ok. 
They might say, "nakakuha lang siya ng medal di na siya bumalik. Kumpleto pa naman ang gamit niya, sayang."

Rhyss' newest passion.

His very first competition was in December.

Mama, I am so ashamed na yata.  I am the only one here with a complete family watching me. 
Why, aren't you glad, we're all here to watch you and cheer for you? 
So shameful kaya mama.

Ate, is he representing the school? (My sister asking)
No. I just brought him here because he likes it.
Sino ngay ti coach na? 
Me.

And during the fight, his stick fell down (which is a violation...if your stick falls three times, you're out of the game already).  Oh, and yes, I almost shouted, that's okay baby!!!! you can do it!!!  Good thing I was able to restrain myself. Otherwise, I will be banned for a lifetime to watch him play.


And yes, he wants to join the Panagbenga Arnis Competition.  And yes, will support him all the way.  But I can't promise not to be the stage mom that I am.  Anything for my favorite 11 year old boy!

I choose mercy over judgment.

Oh my Aa!

Mama, look at Jesus.  He is locked up.  He can't pass through there is a cup.

******

Aa, you're so handsome naman! No, I'm not handsome.  You're letting me stay here lang naman. 

When trust is broken, forgiveness is offered instantly by grace; but trust must be re-earned over time.

I'm a sleuth.  I grew up reading Nancy Drew.

Today, Christine, we believe God wants you to know that ...

everything passes.

Nothing is eternal, even the sun will one day disappear. Remember this simple truth whenever you are suffering, - that the suffering too shall pass, - and it will become easier to bear.

December 21

What happens today, December 21, is just an alignment between the winter solstice and the galactic equator due to the tilting on the earth's axis. It is a periodic occurrence that happens every 26,000 years.  The Mayan's "doomsday" prediction came at a time when Rome still believed the earth was the center of the universe, and that the sun revolved around it.

Doomsday or not, I am still so grateful I woke up giggling with my two boys, and I have a God who promised eternity.

My afternoon delight

After a day's work, it is always a relief and a joy to be greeted by a joyful silence, caused by two hiding boys wanting to be found from their nook, and would break out into peals of laughter when I find them.

Then as I change, they would usually ask me -

How was work ma?
How are you ma?
Ma, are you ok?
I love you ma.

I couldn't exchange my two boys for any other.
They are my treasure.
And I would do everything to leave a very good legacy to them, no matter what it takes.

grabe, nakakapikon ka na!

I'm gonna knock on your door
Ring on your  bell
Knock on your window, too

Being a servant of God is incomparable.
As you care for others, you learn to cover your sorrow with a smile.
You learn how to stay vigorous despite all the tasks you endure.
You learn how to give h ope even though yours is not clearly seen.
You learn how to give strength even at times that you are weak.

Isaiah 42:8-9

“I am the Lord; that is my name!
    I will not yield my glory to another
    or my praise to idols.
⁹ See, the former things have taken place,
    and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
    I announce them to you.”

Isaiah 30

¹⁵ This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says:

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
    in quietness and trust is your strength,
    but you would have none of it.
¹⁶ You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’
    Therefore you will flee!
You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’
    Therefore your pursuers will be swift!
¹⁷ A thousand will flee
    at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
    you will all flee away,
till you are left
    like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
    like a banner on a hill.”

¹⁸ Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you;
    therefore he will rise up to show you compassion.
For the Lord is a God of justice.
    Blessed are all who wait for him!

¹⁹ People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more.How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. ²⁰ Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them.²¹ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” ²² Then you will desecrate your idols overlaid with silver and your images covered with gold; you will throw them away like a menstrualcloth and say to them, “Away with you!”

²³ He will also send you rain for the seed you sow in the ground, and the food that comes from the land will be rich and plentiful.In that day your cattle will graze in broad meadows. ²⁴ The oxenand donkeys that work the soil will eat fodder and mash, spread out with fork and shovel. ²⁵ In the day of great slaughter, when the towers fall, streams of water will flow on every high mountain and every lofty hill. ²⁶ The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people and heals the wounds he inflicted.

Rhyss and fractions
Aaron and singing Sirena
Me and the Kuznets curve

Here I stand a child of Yours broken and in need of You
Break these chains and wash my guilt away
Healer of my brokenness, my weary soul will find its rest
You are my strength, the lifter of my head

You're greater than my yesterday, You hold me close today
You're the Lord of my tomorrows, my heart will always say
You're greater than my yesterdays, You hold me close today.

Studying for tomorrow's lecture.  Rhyss studying and texting. Aaron drawing and singing Salidomay in the background.  Great Thursday evening with my bees!

My Aaron knows how to sing Salidomay already! Thanks to Manong Rhyss. =)

Ma'am, congrats po kay Aaron.

Ma'am, tumakbo talaga ang baby niyo?

Ma'am nakita kita sa TV patrol.

Ma'am, ang ganda niyo sa interview.

Ma'am, ang galing niyong mag English during the interview.

Ma'am, artistahin kayo ha.  Ang cute ng anak ninyo.

"We grew apart" is often just a self-justifying excuse for self-centeredness

So right on time...

Today, Christine, we believe God wants you to know that ...

forgiveness is more powerful than revenge.

Vengeance only begets vengeance. It is a destructive cycle. But when you forgive, you inspire change in both yourself and the other. Forgiveness has the power to transform people and create better world for all.

Thank you Lord for surrounding me with women of faith.
Thank you Lord for surrounding me with women of courage and strength.
Thank you Lord for surrounding me with Godly women.

Nothing in life happens to you; it happens for you. 

God wouldn't have allowed it if He did not have a purpose. 

Contentment comes from unconditional love

When you love conditionally, you have to keep deciding if the other is worthy of your love. You can never let go of your guard enough to be content. Why not decide once and for all, and love once and for all. And be content.

Cry no more for the Lord knows your hurts
Weep no more for the Father knows your heart
Rejoice for everything is beautiful in God's time
Be strong, you are not alone.

Celebrating a new year anniversary! My first year anniversary with God, my faithful husband,who never demands, who never accuses, and who never fails.

Thank you Lord for making it so subtle.  Thank you Lord for sparing me from the pain.

I will no longer cry over spilled milk.
God will give me another one, in a glass that is not broken.

Saw this from my niece's post:  If your man asks for a space, it only means, huwag ka munang magulo, mambababae muna ako.

Oh Dear!

My bees (that is how I call my two adorable boys), aged 11 and 3, are the most thoughtful and sweetest boys I've ever known.  Our bed, for some reason, was giving up already.  My husband is currently in another country working. So we are left on our own to mend a "broken bed."

Saturday night when I was fixing the bed,  I found out that it was sagging all the more.  Only to find out yesterday morning that my two boys fixed the bed. They got the hammer and tried to fix it like how their Papa would have done it.  But alas! they were not really able to fix the broken bed.

But then again, as I reflected, I was so honored and so happy that my boys would really take time to do  something extraordinary to help and give me a surprise.

Kids are really a blessing.  And I really have to thank God everyday that I wake up being embraced and hugged by the most wonderful boys!

And yes,  I am praying, that they stay sweet and happy, with the right fear of the Lord, loving God above else, and growing in faith.        

I can't help wishing sometimes that I was a kid again..because skinned knees and bruises are easier to deal with than broken hearts. 

Yet, thank God, for He purges us to be more like Him.  This too shall pass, a new season is coming.  

Because when God said, IT IS FINISHED.  It is indeed done.  He has already won the victory over sin and death.  Jesus overcame.  Jesus won the victory.  

Indeed, He is the author and finisher of my faith.  The best is yet to come!

Thank God for the broken heart..indeed, when I am at my weakest,  there I feel strongest, because God is carrying me at the palm of His hand. 

I am loved by an amazing God!

The reason why I can love freely, and forgive freely, is because I have experienced first hand how it is to be loved unconditionally and how it is to be forgiven without ifs, without conditions, and without keeping tab of the things I did.  

Only God can do that.  

And indeed, He is a promise keeper and a covenant keeper.  

I have been through several storms in my life. And I can say that when I am hit hardest,  it is also at that point where I can say that my joy is at its highest.  I am not crushed.  Because God's love and amazing grace sustains me.  He makes all things beautiful in His time.  

I learned to enjoy the seasons I am in.  Yes...even during the worst storm.  Because God is a big God.  He is bigger than all my concerns, than all my issues,  than all the problems there is.  And when Jesus died on the cross,  He died for all those kinds of problems, too.  He promised that He will allow all these to happen,  but with the assurance that we will not be tested beyond what we can bear, and will only allow us to experience what is common to man.  When Jesus came,  He experienced everything there is to experience and He surpassed them all.  When Jesus rose again,  He has won the victory over sin, over everything.  

So when all things seem so bleak, I trust the heart of the Father.  He has the best plan for me.  

I am an orphan.  I have no Dad and Mom to run to. No Papa to fight for me and protect me.  No Mama to hug me and embrace me. But God is amazing! When He said, I will never leave you nor forsake you, He indeed keeps His promise.  I have no one to run to but God.  And indeed,  He embraces me, and more than that, He gives His joy, His peace, His love and forgiveness.  

My God is an amazing God!

Thank you Lord for I am one day closer to my miracle.

I have seen good days.  And I believe in my heart I will see better days.
Indeed, the best is yet to come!

I am loved by an amazing God!

2 Corinthians 4: 8  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.   

Amaaazing!

Hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako nagbabago???
At hanggang ngayon hindi ka pa rin nagbabago.  Defensive ka pa rin. Ahahahaha.

Yes, forgiving unconditionally.  I choose this.
Because I want to be free.

Yes, I'm still blessed. Even if circumstances say otherwise. I have faith, a new season is coming.  - rianne

Israelites say Goliath is too big to defeat
But David says Goliath is too big of a target to miss.

My ultimate dream is to become a happy, rich, pretty full time wife and mom.  The best is yet to come!

Dearest,  I hope we get better soon.
Our little one is planning for his 4th birthday - he likes to swim and have plenty of balloons.
Our gentleman is already making decisions on his own.
And I wouldn't really want you to miss out on what they are doing.
And I would really want to share all my joys and pains.
All of a sudden, there are a lot.
And yes, I would really really want to hear from you.
What you are busy with, how you are,  how is it at work, the stuff.
I really miss you so much...
and I hope you feel the same way too.    

Parenting 101.  How I wish we can always do it together.

Bow the Knee

There are moments on our journey following the Lord
Where God illumines ev’ry step we take.
There are times when circumstances make perfect sense to us,
As we try to understand each move He makes.
When the path grows dim and our questions have no answers, turn to Him.

Bow the knee;
Trust the heart of your Father when the answer goes beyond what you can see.
Bow the knee;
Lift your eyes toward heaven and believe the One who holds eternity.
And when you don’t understand the purpose of His plan,
In the presence of the King, bow the knee.

There are days when clouds surround us, and the rain begins to fall,
The cold and lonely winds won’t cease to blow.
And there seems to be no reason for the suffering we feel;
We are tempted to believe God does not know.
When the storms arise, don’t forget we live by faith and not by sight.

God wants to do more than I ask or think. He wants to restore good things to me in abundance. If I will focus on the right things, God will take my most horrendous battlefield and turn it into my greatest blessing field.

Excited for this season and looking forward to the next season! 

God is indeed a BIG God!

thank you Lord for I can always find my hope and my strength in you

¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

On this day of your life, Christine, we believe God wants you to know ... that how bad things may look right now means nothing, - it's how good they can be with God's help that counts.

In life you can absolutely count on one thing, - everything can turn around in one day, in one minute sometimes. Don't you dare to give up, - you might be a moment away from a windfall.

Life is short
Time is fast
So see something positive in the negative
Focus on the good instead of the  bad
Put your security in Jesus
Put your hope in God

 He makes all things beautiful in His time. 

PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

 
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

 
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Mornings are great!

Thank you Lord for this new day

Thank you for I have so many things to be grateful about

Thank you for my kids who sleep soundly beside me

Thank you Lord for I am awakened with the embrace of Aaron

Thank you for the sweet smell of my children

Thank you for my husband who works so hard to provide for us

Thank you for the sacrifice of being away just to work 

Thank you Lord for my job

Thank you Lord for my sister and my niece 

Thank you for Auntie Edna 

Thank you for all the memories of childhood

Thank you for creating me uniquely

Thank you Lord for all the things that You want me to do. 

Thank you Lord for I am another day closer to a sweet and happy marriage. 

Please give me strength all throughout the day to be able to carry out your perfect will.  

Hannah's Prayer

My heart rejoices in the Lord; 
in the Lord my horn is lifted high. 
My mouth boasts over my enemies, 
for I delight in your deliverance. 

There is no one holy like the Lord; 
there is no one besides you; 
there is no Rock like our God. 

Do not keep talking so proudly
or let your mouth speak such arrogance, 
for the Lord is a God who knows, 
and by him deeds are weighed. 

The bows of the warriors are broken, 
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.  
Those who were full hire themselves out for food, 
but those who were hungry hunger no more. 
She who was barren has borne seven children, 
but she who has had many sons pines away. 

The Lord brings death and makes alive, 
he brings down to the grave and raises up. 
The Lord sends poverty and wealth; 
he humbles and he exalts. 
He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap; 
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor. 

For the foundations of the earth are the Lord's; 
upon them he has set the world. 
He will guard the feet of his saints, 
but the wicked will be silenced in darkness. 

It is not by strength that one prevails; 
those who oppose the Lord will be shattered. 
He will thunder against them from heaven, 
the Lord will judge the ends of the earth. 

He will give strength to his king 
and exalt the horn of his anointed. 

Space

Space...bar
Space...ship 
Space...craft
Space...suit 
Space...walk
Space...time
Space...band 
Space...man
Oh space, how deep and wide
Oh space, until when? 

No matter the space, God is bigger.  God is in control.  
This too, shall pass. 

Thank God for His grace. It never cease to amaze me. 

Dear Mama,

I miss you so much.  I want to share notes with you.  I miss talking to you.

Dear Papa,

I need a hug.  I miss being your little girl.  I miss you saying I love you nakkong to me.  

I miss you both so much.


Hugs,

Christine

I can't believe it!!! I'm blogging again!

Outlet?

Oh God, I miss him so.

Thank you Lord, for I am one day closer to talking to him again.

I woke up with a very painful tummy at 3am, wondering why. 

Then, I somehow related it with what I am going through right now.  Yes, I am in pain.  Yet, thank God for His peace and forgiveness.  

There is outpouring of challenges: in my marriage, in my son's academic standing in school.  But thank God for His grace.  I am in faith that He can turn around all these situations.  

O God, I miss them so

kasla ka la mother superior

kasla ka la takki nuang

even then!

di ka na naawa, di ka na nahabag...

I hate this girl!

super cat

homer, dahan dahan lang. malapit na ang birthday natin.

san fernando city market

united food palace

cafe esparanza's empanada

mama's imbagkal

mama's inkiwar

mama's palitaw

papa's ponsado

papa's sinigang na ulo ng fish

papa's bulalo

lolo's pinekkel nga rice

lolo's version of fresh milk

lola febe's rice coffee

mama's adobo

table and chair by lolo

study table with tansan for counting

magazines

newspapers

vacation in bauang

vacation in caba

picnics at villa navarro

Aaron

At 10:30 in the evening...

Me: Aaron, you go inside with Manong.

Aaron: Why?

Me: You go to sleep now.

Aaron: Why?

Aaron at 2 years old, and at 10:38 is still singing twinkle twinkle little star.

Faith Goal Number 1, Check!

Lord, thank you. It was indeed by your grace that I passed the two Sundays. I give you back all glory, honor, and praise. =)

My Romance with the Library

My romance with the library started last Monday, January 24, 2011. It is my first time to really sit down and read from 8am until 5.30pm. This is something I haven’t done ever since I started going to school. The library for me can only mean three things: it is a place where you borrow books; a place where you read journals, magazines and newspapers that you cannot afford to buy; and a place where you sit down while waiting for the next exam.
I took a leave from work for a week, without salary, just to stay in the library. That is six days to be exact (by the standards of the organization).
But a week without a salary was the least thing on my mind. My priority and my goal is to pass the Comprehensive Exams. This is the toughest exam, perhaps, that I will be taking my whole life. There were at least three friends who told me I shouldn’t take it if I’m not really ready. These three friends, are really friends. They know what they are saying because they have been there and were able to successfully hurdle the test.
My sister, who has fifty percent encouragement and fifty percent sarcasm in her blood , told me, “one week before the exams is what really matters” and threatened me that I should make good .
I have also my friend and my mentor who pushes me hard to really pass and there’s no excuse for me not to pass.
A friend and somebody who is like a mother to me told me that all the more that I should take the exam even if I am not that prepared. What I need to do is to review diligently for that one whole week. And she encouraged me that I could make it, for as long as I trust God.
I have a nine year old son who always prays at night for his mom to pass her major major exam.
So these were my motivations why I had a romance with the library. First day, I really had a hard time keeping myself awake. So I pee every once in a while, roam around, inspect (yes, inspect) the books neatly piled on the shelves, check books in their OPAC system. Those were my little recreations.
At exactly 11:30am, I leave my books in my chosen corner, go up to the canteen and eat lunch. I eat alone. I only have with me my eyes and my cell phone. I observe the students lining up for their meals. I observe what they eat, what they wear, how they group together. It’s a relief to see students wearing big backpacks, pants or pedal pushers, sleepers, sneakers, rubber shoes. They discuss about their lessons. They eat one and a half serving of rice for the girls and two servings of rice for the boys. They usually cluster in groups depending on their course, subject, organizations. I want to think that my observations are all true and correct. After lunch, I see students sitting in the corridors with their laptops, or with their orgs putting make up, then some of them playing a kids game. It’s so nice to just roam around the campus and observe.
Then I go back to the library, do my crossword first (something I haven’t done for years), then read then nap for 30 minutes. Yes, a nap. A super powerful nap. Then I go on reading. And I’m now getting the hang of it. Yes, I’m enjoying every moment now that I spend in my little corner.
At 5:30, I start packing my things. Then get the rest of my things at the baggage counter, have the library employee check my things and enjoy listening to the alarm go off as I go out. It’s my Strat book authored by David. I did not remove the price tag. And I do not also plan to remove the price tag. I am just so amused listening to the alarm.
Sunday is getting near. The results will be all up to God. My future is in His hands.

My Romance with the Library

My romance with the library started last Monday, January 24, 2011. It is my first time to really sit down and read from 8am until 5.30pm. This is something I haven’t done ever since I started going to school. The library for me can only mean three things: it is a place where you borrow books; a place where you read journals, magazines and newspapers that you cannot afford to buy; and a place where you sit down while waiting for the next exam.
I took a leave from work for a week, without salary, just to stay in the library. That is six days to be exact (by the standards of the organization).
But a week without a salary was the least thing on my mind. My priority and my goal is to pass the Comprehensive Exams. This is the toughest exam, perhaps, that I will be taking my whole life. There were at least three friends who told me I shouldn’t take it if I’m not really ready. These three friends, are really friends. They know what they are saying because they have been there and were able to successfully hurdle the test.
My sister, who has fifty percent encouragement and fifty percent sarcasm in her blood , told me, “one week before the exams is what really matters” and threatened me that I should make good .
I have also my friend and my mentor who pushes me hard to really pass and there’s no excuse for me not to pass.
A friend and somebody who is like a mother to me told me that all the more that I should take the exam even if I am not that prepared. What I need to do is to review diligently for that one whole week. And she encouraged me that I could make it, for as long as I trust God.
I have a nine year old son who always prays at night for his mom to pass her major major exam.
So these were my motivations why I had a romance with the library. First day, I really had a hard time keeping myself awake. So I pee every once in a while, roam around, inspect (yes, inspect) the books neatly piled on the shelves, check books in their OPAC system. Those were my little recreations.
At exactly 11:30am, I leave my books in my chosen corner, go up to the canteen and eat lunch. I eat alone. I only have with me my eyes and my cell phone. I observe the students lining up for their meals. I observe what they eat, what they wear, how they group together. It’s a relief to see students wearing big backpacks, pants or pedal pushers, sleepers, sneakers, rubber shoes. They discuss about their lessons. They eat one and a half serving of rice for the girls and two servings of rice for the boys. They usually cluster in groups depending on their course, subject, organizations. I want to think that my observations are all true and correct. After lunch, I see students sitting in the corridors with their laptops, or with their orgs putting make up, then some of them playing a kids game. It’s so nice to just roam around the campus and observe.
Then I go back to the library, do my crossword first (something I haven’t done for years), then read then nap for 30 minutes. Yes, a nap. A super powerful nap. Then I go on reading. And I’m now getting the hang of it. Yes, I’m enjoying every moment now that I spend in my little corner.
At 5:30, I start packing my things. Then get the rest of my things at the baggage counter, have the library employee check my things and enjoy listening to the alarm go off as I go out. It’s my Strat book authored by David. I did not remove the price tag. And I do not also plan to remove the price tag. I am just so amused listening to the alarm.
Sunday is getting near. The results will be all up to God. My future is in His hands.

Lord, let it be this year, please!

I am so tired. One week of reading and seven hours of exam. Not able to answer two numbers but quite confident with two, and a little confident with one. Lord, please, high pass for the three numbers.

Roffa Rolls!!!!

Lord, let it be this semester, please.

This is one of those days when I miss Mama and Papa so much.

I thank God for my near-perfect childhood. I was blessed to be raised by two wonderful people who taught me how to love simply by letting me feel loved. I will be forever grateful to these two people who gave their all for me and my sister. I thank them for teaching me and my sister to be always there for each other no matter what. I thank God for I learned responsibility and hard work by the examples that they have set. I praise God for giving me Mama and Papa who taught me how is it to be a parent - the greatest legacy that they have left.

Today, I just want to honor my Mama and Papa who have devoted their lives for me and my sister. I have seen how their lives revolved around me and Rianne, and how they have given their all for us. I will always miss my Papa's sweetness. It is from him that I learned that saying I love you need no special occasion. I will always miss and admire my Mama's silence and courage. Two different people...imperfect...but has so much complimented each other.

I will always love you Mama and Papa. I miss you both so much.

Happy Mothers' Day Ma. You're the best Mom ever!

Rianne made it! That makes me the proudest ate and Rhyss the proudest nephew. If mama and papa were here, they could have been the proudest parents; and if lolo and lola were here, they couldn't stop talking about it.

Some people are just so insensitive

Second person that I want to hit right on in the face.

She's giving an account of a "doctor" who allegedly saw my Mom on the day she died.

Apparently, the doctor who claimed to be there during that fateful day told her that my mom's color was already that of an ash and no longer has any blood on her body.

Where was that doctor? Did she get down on her car? Did she take vital signs of my mom? Did she touch her?

And this stupid girl still insists of the account of the doctor because she's a doctor because she knows the color of dead people.

Bleh! Did they see my mom when I saw her in the morgue?

Then out of sheer stupidity, this girl, who obviously don't know when to stop still asked how the case was going.

So I told her - I don't like to talk about it. (and I wanted to add, I don't want to discuss any single detail with you).

Obviously she is not my friend. A friend will never debate about the color of a dead woman...especially if she's my mother.

The first one was a lawyer.

I was there in the street during that day. I saw how nobody moved to help.

Helllllloooooooo!

How about you? Did you help? What did you do? You did not even take on the case, coward!

Oh, and I failed to mention. There's a third one -

The one who claimed a 2 year old girl said -

"papatayin ko silang lahat" (referring to those involved in the killings)

Yeah right!!! My son, the closest to my Mom, did not even think about that.

Clever. Clap! Clap! Clap!

Will I be faulted if I say I lost faith in the electoral process?

My parents both served as Municipal Treasurers.
My Papa in Caba, Burgos and Aringay
And Mama in Bagulin and Bauang.
I have seen how they served the elections -
They'd line up in the Capitol for the ballot boxes before the elections
Account for them and take responsibility over them
They'd come home in the wee hours of the morning right after the counting
Spending sleepless nights in the office.
I remember I'd often complain - during these times, we were "fatherless" and "motherless"
When all my classmates and friends, and all the children in the neighborhood spent time with their parents, my parents were in the "Munisipyo" working.

I also saw how they worked hard and with integrity
I grew accustomed with their work habits and values
And with them, I always look forward to every election.
New hope, voting wisely, making my vote count.

But it all changed on August 6, 2007.

My mom experienced the worst "election" of her life in the May 2007 elections.
She received all kinds of threats and harassment.
Of course she was also threatened. She feared not for her life, but for our lives.
She wouldn't even want us to go home and see her.

The night before the elections, somebody sprayed bullets in our house while we were sleeping
and my Mom in the "munisipyo"
We experienced having "security escorts"
And the rest was history.

My mom got killed because she stood up for the truth.
Or should I say, my mom got killed because she refused to do something that is against her values and morals.

The one who pulled the trigger is already in jail.
And it took me a very painstaking process.
But the one who asked the man to pull the trigger is still out...
...and seeking re-election.
I made my vote count in 2007...but still wasn't "heard".

Christmas is the time

I miss going home to Mama on a Christmas break; where I do nothing but sit down, sleep, prepare the table, eat and kwento kwento.

I miss opening surprise gifts from Mama and in return, Mama waiting for her gift from "Santa".

I miss the mornings of December 25 where Papa would always wake me up with his stories of how I was born, and him fixing the windows.

I miss Lolo Kito peeping on the door, checking whether the "kids" are already awake.

I miss eating at home without me having to wash the dishes but Lola Febe doing it instead.

I miss my childhood. I miss my family. I miss them so much.

I miss being embraced and hugged by Papa. I miss having late night chit chats with Mama. I miss cleaning Lolo Kito's nails. I miss Lola Febe's pride everytime she comes to know of the little things we do.

As I build my own family, I hope to build good and lasting memories for my children too.

My Rhyss, the doting kuya

Rhyss, you told auntie Rianne, you're going to sleep alone in the room when she gets married in December?

Yes, ma

Why, don't you like to go back to our room? You won't sleep with Mama and Papa anymore?

Yes, but it's okay with me. I want ading to experience what I experienced. Sleep with you also.

Oh, like sleeping with mama and papa for 8 years?

Yes.

The contraption called ankle support

I got a bad case of sprain yesterday, where I literally heard the krek krek krek on my left foot.

I woke up this morning with a swollen left ankle that made it hard for me to wake up.

Carlo brought me to the doctor...ortho.

The doctor then held my left foot, stretch, twist, stretch, twist. Showed us a big book with ligaments and tendons and bones and explained it so well why I twisted my ankle.

Then he brought out what he called ankle support.

So I said, ok ok ok. I like it. hmmm...looks like it will cost me only less than a thousand.

Ok, so next...

I showed him my right foot. I complained about the pain in my "dapan" (whatever you call it)

Then he said, it is most painful in the morning. Yes, yes, yes

He knocked it. Ouch, ouch, ouch

You know iha, this blah (I can't pronounce it, can't even memorize it) is most common to middle aged people and number 2, overweights.

Yeah right! I'm not middle aged...am I overweight? blah! Whatever!!!

I can't give you medicine. You said you're breastfeeding. Yes doctor. So how about it?

I can inject something. How much? How much Deb (referring to his secretary)

P1800 for the medicine, and P400 for the professional fee. Ok, I will come back on Saturday.

For the left foot, P2,900 all in all.

What a price for calling me overweight, eh?

Now I feel better. I have to. This contraption on my left foot has to work. Otherwise...

Otherwise I will just go back to the gym.

teacher, teacher, teacher

di pa ko nakacheck

di pa ko nakapagrecord

di pa ko nakagawa ng exam

cramming, cramming, cramming

di ko na naman nagawa ang paper ko

sa september 21 na last day ng admission

pati letter wala pa din ako

cramming, cramming, cramming

sarap kasing makipagkwentuhan lang kay rhyss

kargahin si bordabee

kumain, matulog

sana, sana, sana

kasana, dito na lang ako sa bahay

bukas tatanungin na naman ako

ano na ang level ng accomplishment?

ung board, gawa na ba? di ko na mamonitor ang massive training kit

ung liquidation natin for the iec ok na ba, nasubmit na ba sa neda?

nakapagsubmit na ba lahat ng reports? sa 5 na ang deadline, huli na naman tayo

wala! wala! wala!

I miss my Mom!

These are one of those days when I wish Mama were still here. One cough she hears on the phone and she would give you a list of do's and dont's, medicines that you can take, and her all time favorite - water therapy! Then the following day, she's already knocking at the door, literally dragging you to go to the doctor.

Yes, that's how mama was. I've been nursing my cough for almost a month now. I went to the doctor this morning (for the 2nd time, now a Pulmonologist) and was given a mask at P5 and gave me medicines not advisable for breastfeeding mothers. He told me - 7 days ka lang namang titigil magbreastfeed. Iniisip ko kasi ikaw. Tingnan mo ang itsura mo o para ka kasing kawawa. Hmmmmpppphhhhh! Tama ba un? Pero naman, in fairness, I really had fever this morning, can't talk properly, can't taste my food, throbbing headache, chest pains. If ony Mama were with me, we would be laughing our heart out after the visit.

Oh well, yes, I'm 31 years old. And I sincerely wish somebody were with me during my check up this morning...and I really trully miss my Mom....

Rianne is making up to it. She's always texting and reminding me how stubborn I am not to go to the doctor immediately.

I hope to rest this weekend. Sana...

Remembering Mama on her birthday

Carlo and I went to the cemetery yesterday. I was so touched to see the following:

So characteristically mama. Notice the cup of coffee? The numbers written there? We really had a good laugh!

Natalo tuloy ang flowers ni Aromin's. For those who remembered, thank you! You really know how to touch a daughter's heart.

At Gecko Cafe

Scene 1: mam, para sa spaghetti meatballs lang po ang apple juice

pero sabi naman dito, all kids meals

ok mam

Scene 2: grilled whole lapu-lapu in mango sauce

ano po ang drinks nyo mam?

coke

coke sero po ba?

ung regular lang

wet lang mam

Scene 3: mam, wala na daw pong lapu-lapu

grilled lemon chicken na lang ading

ok mam, grelled lemon checken

My teaching encounter

At last, I'm done checking! I promptly returned the papers today for my TThS class and yesterday for my MWF class.

I discussed the answers after I gave the papers and told them to approach me if there is/are error/s and/or they feel or think that they deserve a higher score for their essay/s.

One student approached me in my TThS class. "Ma'am, pakicheck naman po ung number two. Parang ung sagot ko, andun po lahat ung diniscuss ninyo kanina." So I read his paper again. True enough, instead of writing 8, I wrote 3. So I said, I'm sorry, then recorded his score. I explained that I could not give him a 10 because he was not able to really relate his answer with opportunity cost. Then again, he asked me to look at number three. Another essay.

For question number three, I gave a table on the population of the Cordillera Administrative Region for the years 1970, 1980, 1990 and 2000, and asked them to relate it to scarcity, economic activity and decision making.

So I read again. Then I told him, "you really got 4." "Ma'am, can't you reconsider? I was in a hurry and I was thinking about the space I will need so I wrote there ...allocate population." So I patiently told him, "we don't allocate population but we allocate resources!" This time, he was more insistent. "Nagkamali lang po kasi ako ng naisulat ma'am. Alam ko pong mali. Pero tingnan naman po ninyo ang discussion ko, I talked about goods." Then I told him, "yes, that's why you got four. And you did not only mention it once but twice." Then he won't stop insisting he knows and that he just made a mistake. In my mind I really wanted to tell him, "what part of no, can't you understand?!?!?!" So I just told him, I really can't consider it because I check based on what he wrote, not on what he thinks. So he stopped.

Then the bell rang, all students went out already. The boy stayed. "Ma'am, sayang naman, sana pwedeng maconsider na." Hay! Ok fine, I told them, they should exert some effort, but not this kind, ok? So I just smiled and told him, "Kaya nga e, sayang. So you'd better be careful next time."

Teaching is difficult but very rewarding. It is a very fulfilling profession. Much more than research. Much more than marketing and advocacy. It is something I enjoy doing no matter how many encounters I have with the "boisterous generation".

The greatest enemy of wisdom is the voice of discontent...

Rhyss, exams will be on the 22nd already. I still have plenty of papers to check!

See mama, being a teacher is not so easy right? It's also hard, you have plenty of things to do.

If you want the rainbow, you must put up with the rain

It's been five days since I started teaching in my old University. Boy, I am really having a blast! Carlo said I look more contented, happier and blooming every time I go home; in contrast to looking harassed and haggard every time I come home from regular work. My ever observant Rhyss said, "Ma, you're coming home earlier when you had two jobs!"

Yes, teaching gives me a sense of high. It's different. A very good and fulfilling respite from my 8-5 job that ends until almost 9 in the evening.

It's so refreshing to be surrounded by students who listen to you and students who look forward to what you will say even if they are not studying. But having 50 students in my class also scares me....am I imparting the right things? do they understand? are they learning from me? Is there one hour with me worthwhile?

Becoming a teacher is really one thing that I never expect to be so fulfilling despite the odds.

Tired

Rhyss: Mama, why do they have to ask you a lot of things to do even if you're work is already done in the office? Don't go there na. Let's go home.

Me: Anak but I have to go see him because we asked him to travel. I need to give him this so he can go also.

Rhyss: Why don't they ask somebody else to do it? You tell them, you have two sons waiting for you.

Rhyss: That's what I don't like in your office. You resign their now. You be teacher y lang.