Thursday, March 03, 2005

Guilty Mother Syndrome

I have always been guilty of leaving my son behind. And the feeling gets worse everytime people tell me: "aayyyy! bakit? how saaad", "I can't stand being away from my kids. Di ko kaya 'yan", "kawawa naman si rhyss", and a lot more stuff. But it's acceptable. And it makes me thinks twice whether or not my commitment and sense of responsibility towards my job is worth it.

Since Rhyss was eight months old, we only see each other during weekends. I was, at that time, deployed in Mountain Province. Carlo put up a business in Bauang. I could have opted for Rhyss to stay with me in Bontoc, but my husband and I decided against it. Carlo willingly took the responsibility of taking care of Rhyss. Given that his time was more flexible than mine. I called home everyday and I practically cried most of the time.

In 2002, I was already assigned at the Regional Office. I used to travel everyday. But it pains me all the more to leave the house so early, with Rhyss already sleeping and came home when he was already sleeping. But, I said, it's better because I get to sleep with my baby.

We moved to Baguio on February 2004 with the hope of bringing Rhyss with us. But with Carlo and I working, we could not find someone to take care of Rhyss, the same way we take care of him. So, we had no choice but to leave him to Auntie Edna. Of course she cannot stay in Baguio because she also has to take care of Lolo Kito and Lola Febe.

It's good he was able to spend summer last year and he comes to visit every now and then. I go home every Saturday and Carlo goes home during his day off on Thursdays.

I thought of quitting my job. But being practical dictates me not to.

Then I chanced upon an article in Working Mom. The author has the same dillemma that I have. But she certainly opened my eyes that there's no use being guilty. I realized I am working because of my son's future. My husband is working for Rhyss also. And it's not futile, I believe.

I always see to it that Rhyss and I spend quality time together despite the time. And I feel that my son still loves me very much even without him seeing me. I am comforted with the thought that whenever I am around, he chooses to stay beside me, he listens to me, and he always tells me he loves me even without me asking him to.

Yes, I miss Rhyss. I still pray that he will be able to stay with us by June. But, I no longer feel the pain that I used to feel. I am so assured that Rhyss loves me very much and he understands; and I am very much assured that he knows how I love him.

1 comment:

eclair said...

i've read this blog of yours a year ago. I was only pregnant with baby bryan and it did not mean much to me then. I chanced at it again today and now that i am already a mother of an 8 month old baby, i share your feelings about leaving my little angel to the hands of another everyday so that me and my husband could go to work. It pains me each day to see the innocence in his eyes as if he already asks the question why he has to be left behind to the care of his yaya each day... I have contemplated on giving up my job and yes, i agree, practicality dictates otherwise... As he grows, he becomes more and more aware of being left behind at home. My job also requires that i go out of town, although it has not happened yet,as i always begged off on out of town trips, and luckily, my seniors understand. however,i know this can not go on forever. Sooner or later, i would have to spend some time away from my little boy as my job requires and this is what scares me. I've never spent a night away from my baby. I don't know how i could go on out of town trips with my little baby on my mind left alone. He never sleeps at night without me putting him to sleep. I worry each night if i put him to sleep, how would it be when duty calls and i have to leave him behind... I fret. He would not like to sleep in his dad's arms. Always, he looks for me.

But i know, it is God who will find a way. Who knows, maybe i can bring him along when needed.

I put everything in Gods might hands.... Today, i just make the most of every moment i am with him. And yes, it is quality time and not the quantity is what matters....