Death is so sudden
Pain is inevitable
Joy is a choice
Faith rises
Character is built up
Peace is only from God
Grace is sufficient

Lola Febe, 87 years old, Gastric Cancer

my thoughts

I have this book - "How to forgive when you don't feel like it"...Rhyss saw it. After reading the title said, "Ma, I like this book! So, this is what you and Rianne did to the one who killed mommy?!?". I hope Rhyss will learn that it is through God's grace that we forgive and love.

"Ni, di met makapagnan toy umay mangbisita knyak", Lola Febe on Lola Nena when Lola Nena and Lolo Ben visited her at home. Lola is weak, can't eat, on dextrose and already wearing diaper because it is hard for her to get up already but she still thinks properly. She's still very much interested on news, current events, the goings on in my life, Rhyss' and Rianne's. My prayer is that she will not feel any pain. She's 87, turning 88 on May 18. Thank God there is Auntie Edna, Auntie Reina, Sheldy, Auntie Iling, Auntie Belen, Irwin and Flor, Auntie Virgie, and friends.

I am Felicidad Picar's panganay. I did not get the green bag we submitted with still Mama's things intact. That green bag is missing. They don't know where it went after it was examined in the crime lab. It walked on its own?

Seven year itch, spiced by pictures in Kyria's site, Zariah aka Carla, "coffee bonding" at Ionic Cafe, lying, nagging, finger-pointing, betrayal. One time we were watching, Rhyss told Carlo, Papa, you're "Palos" (the new soap in ABS-CBN)!. "Really, why, is he gwapo, is he smart and brave too?" I asked. Papa is Palos...PALUSOT! I have nothing to do with it, ok?

I'm so sick and tired of politics in the office. I'm not happy now. I know, I can do more, I can do better than what they are asking me to do. I want to manage my own business. I want to be an event's coordinator.

2008 Faith Goals

Cluster A
1. Be completely debt-free
2. House and lot in Baguio City (for the long-term, 2-door apartment)
3. Family business
4. Justice for mama's death
5. Healing for Rhyss
6. No pain for Lola Febe
7. Salvation of people close to me
8. Growth in the small group (leaders' group too)
9. Promotion for Carlo and I
10. Excellence for Rianne, Rhyss and I in school

Cluster B
1. Rich generosity
2. See people in the eyes of faith
3. Forgive, forgive, forgive!
4. Be a blessing
5. Be an encouragement
6. Be faithful in everything
7. Be a woman of (super) Integrity
8. A wife to Carlo, mom to Rhyss, ate to Rianne
9. Get (actively) involved in ministry (intercessory and/or multi-media)
10. More friends in church

Cluster C
1. Correl set
2. Cookware (don't know the name - glass, which can also serve as a bowl)
3. Go out of the country (either Thailand, China, Singapore, Malaysia)
4. Have vacation down south (either Davao, Cebu, Palawan, Bohol)
5. Computer chair
6. Gym/Badminton sessions for me and Carlo
7. Kumon/Violin classes for Rhyss
8. Big fat savings
9. Swatch and/or Guess watch/es
10. Comforter Sets

Happy New Year!

2007 was a very challenging year for us...

2008 will be equally challenging...fight for justice for mama's death; Lola Febe's gastric cancer at 87 years old; Rhyss' obstructive sleep apnea caused by his tonsils (size is as big as that of a 10 year-old)...

I don't know, but I feel so numb...but thank God for His grace. It is more than enough.

I miss them so much - Mama, Papa, Lolo Kito...seeing Lola in pain made it more painful...seeing Lolo Rico helpless makes it equally harder.

But God is the God of seasons. He will see us through...and everything written in the Bible, every promise spoken will come to pass. I feel in my heart that God will do wonders, greater things and I thank God I am not going through these things alone. I thank God He is holding me in the palm of his hand.

The Lord loves my family more than I do. He knows what He is doing.

So what am I going to do now? ...yes, I will be faithful, I will obey, I will go forth and tell of God's goodness and grace.

Indeed my God is faithful. I see prosperity in 2008...I see His grace being poured out in our lives...I feel His peace....I feel joy...I feel God move in every way. Yes, God is good, all the time...and all the time, God is good.

Dear Mama,

I miss you more and more everyday. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I miss your presence. I wish you're here to talk to me. There are things I believe that only you can put a stop to. I miss texting you, "Mama, arayat!"...and you will always give me a call. I miss your picture on my phone. Yes, it sounds so silly, but I ring my phone once in a while just to see your picture. Yes, in seven days, it's going to be my 30th birthday. I wish you're still here. I'm going to miss your surprise gift this Christmas. I will miss your pancit. I love you Mama. I miss you so much!!!

Sad but happy...tired but at peace

I still feel so tired...I was on the road for almost five days...include two days before those travels without sleep.

I attended the hearing for the first time...it was like going through August 6, 2007 again. The same story from the witness that I read and re-read, heard a hundred times over...but it was like listening to the story of how my Mom died for the first time.

I am really so grateful that the witness stood up to the truth...

...oh well, it was my first time...somebody even accused us of not wanting to cooperate because we are born-again...ha ha ha...they did not even call us kaya!

...and then came Lola.

87 years old, internal bleeding caused by a tumor in her tummy.

Oh well, she doesn't like to undergo operation. She's old she said. But she has two wishes - for her to see Rianne graduate in Law School and for me to have another baby. He he he. Lola is so funny even during crisis.

I praise God for His grace...it is always more than enough. Even under stress, under pressure, even if faced with problems, I can still feel his peace. God is really good.

I saw a friend yesterday and she really told me "nakakabilib kayong magkapatid. you are so strong"...Yes, we are strong because our God is living and faithful.

"Though war break out against me, even then will I be confident...".

God is good all the time...
All the time, God is good!

My memories of Christmas

1. Papa waking me up very early, greeting me happy birthday;
2. Papa's stories on how he was fixing the windows in the bedroom the day I was born;
3. My plans of not having a birthday party, with Mama agreeing, but at 3pm, she will always have plenty of food ready on the table;
4. Mama's surprises;
5. Lolo Kito's and Lola Febe's excitement everytime they open gifts from Rianne and I;
6. Auntie Edna always missing on Christmas day;
7. Mama's pansit and kankanen;
8. Mama's story the day I was born;
9. Rianne's cheap but memorable birthday gifts;
10. Exchanging gifts with Auntie Reina;
11. Bonfire in the "compound";
12. Papa watching;
13. Last minute grocery with Mama;
14. Carlo's surprise appearance a year before we got married;
15. Watching Rianne open gifts of Mama.

It's so nice to be a child. I miss being one...
I am blessed to have a family like mine, who saw to it that I have a happy and memorable childhood, despite our being imperfect.
I miss Papa, I miss Mama, I miss Lolo Kito...but I always cherish the memories I have of them...

I will also see to it that Rhyss will have the best memories in his childhood...more than the good memories I had as a child

The Rapids

Be still.
Enjoy the cold breeze
The backdrop of the blue sky
The hovering birds
The freshness of green.

The rushing water
The angry rapids
Hold on tight
Your knuckles turn white.

Sweat.
Breathe heavily
Row hard with the blue paddle
Careful not to hit the large sharp rocks
Don't topple down on the icy water.

Race.
Have sheer strong faith in the man at the helm.
Faith in yourself.
Patience.
Hope.
Win!

by Christine
edited by Rianne

I Chronicles 4:9-10

Oh that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that you would keep me from evil.

My Kalinga Experience

I had fun and adventure in Kalinga. I don't know how to swim, I don't even know how to paddle...in fact, I am afraid of the water.

This was our boat - "Allasiw". I was with the best paddlers and swimmers, that there was really no need for me to paddle but hold on and pray hard that I will not fall down. Thanks to Sir Rene, Kuya Jun, Ma'am Marlyn and our tour guides, Kuya John and "Marine" (I forgot to get his name. But I will call him "Marine" because he graduated as seaman).

The boat almost flipped three times. I couldn't talk. I could not even shout...I don't know how many rapids we had to hurdle. Too many times, I asked our guides if we were already halfway through, if there was another way out, if there was a motor boat where I don't need to paddle and row.

But I am really so grateful, we went through the 3-hour rafting experience without falling, tripping, etc. Two boats flipped. The first group fell down but were able to climb back. A second group fell down, some hit the rocks, got hurt; while some drank to much water from the Chico River. Good for me, I was not able to see it (Good for us, we were saving the paddles from the first boat that fell down). But all went well and everybody enjoyed and treasured the experience. Some really wanted to give up and walk but there was really no way out but continue rafting.

That was some experience!!! But I learned what teamwork is with the experience; following the right instructions, listening to the leader, being united and obedience.

I enjoyed the experience the way I enjoyed entering the caves of Sagada...but in the process, I really miss sharing it with my Mom.

November 1, 2007

Tomorrow, I will go to the cemetery for the first time...since Mama's death.
I refused to go there. I did not even go there when they were constructing it.
A form of denial I guess.

Part of me still feels that I can still go home to Bauang, see her, tell stories, watch her prepare what special food she has for us, remove her white hairs, have her massage my head...

But...

Halsema Highway...milking cow of the privileged?

For a change, I am writing on a different topic.

I read the Midland Courier every sunday and I just don't feel comfortable with all the write ups about Mountain Province, specifically the Halsema Highway.

Like what Senator Miriam Santiago said, "pinag-aawayan nyo lang ang mga kickback nyo!"

Since I started travelling Halsema Highway in 1999, I see little improvement in the Mountain Province area. While the Benguet side is already paved and done with, the Mountain Province area is still the same "old rugged road".

Even with no articles in the Midland, even with no exposes, common sense will tell us that the Halsema Highway is the milking cow of the privileged. It is a perfect example of "corruption to the highest level". I have seen the studies done in the area, read it, and it is really so disgusting.

The paid ad about Juniper Dominguez...attacking his personality, telling everyone he is an ex-convict, etc...what does it have to do with his exposes on the Halsema Highway corruption? Personalan naman na to the highest level! Who are those who signed in the manifesto anyway? Can they say they are the most righteous contractors in Mountain Province? Can they say that they are more Honorable than Juniper Dominguez because they did not spend a single day in prison? Are they trying to say that ex convicts cannot be trusted? Can't they live changed lives? I believe...Juniper Dominguez is more honorable than them.

During the last elections, so much has been heard again about Mountain Province. I believe the bickerings is not political in nature. It is not even about the Anglican church...I think it is all about money. The contratas they can get. Who gets favored and how they are favored. Truth hurts.

Ineh! Mama, datusa an ipugao ay mangpakpakaan ken sak-en idi wada ak ed Sabangan. I see familiar names and signatures in the manifesto. People who called me Kulityagang. People who tried to initiate to oust me from Mountain Province because I am an Ilocano.

Now, with what you are doing, are you bringing glory or shame to Mountain Province?

Do I really have to?

Press conference?
I don't like it. For what?
Tell everyone I am grieving?
What for? Tell them Mama's death was politically motivated?
What else do I have to tell them?
That no lawyer would want to take on the case because they are afraid?
That whoever is interested to take on the case, is, in one way or the other, connected with the mastermind?
What else do people want to know, that they want to hear directly from me?

This is the only thing I want to say right now, and it is better if I don't go to those press conferences:

I am so disgusted. I am so dismayed...to the highest level.
They do not deserve their salary.
The "honorable" attached to their name should be "DISHONORABLE".
The title they worked so hard to get for eight long years, they do not deserve to have. Money is all that they wanted.
The system needs overhauling.

One day, soon...all their riches will be mine.
All that they have now, all they are holding on to right now, will go to nothing. It will be thrown in the pit.
One day, soon...they will realize, all power belongs to God.
Justice and vindication is in God's hands.

I will wait on God's justice and vindication.

I don't want to attend press conferences.
I don't want to attend rallies.

What for?
Forgiving everyday is already a struggle.
Get real.

I am not voting...yet

On October 29, 2007, many will be voting for the Barangay Elections. My Lolo Kito's brother is running for Barangay Captain in Sobredillo, where I vote. I would want to vote for him...but I have already decided not to vote since last month.

Not yet, that is. I don't know if I will vote...ever again. Maybe...but not in my hometown...anymore...i think. I don't know. I'm not really sure. Mama's death is still too painful.

I lost faith in it? Maybe. But I am not losing hope.

I am hoping that one day, a new breed of leaders will be seating. Not the politicians who are holding office, who are only after their own gains. Not "leaders" who will have people killed for their own ends. Not "leaders" who only enrich themselves. Not "leaders" who are so hungry for power.

In my lifetime, I would also like to see leaders who are really leaders. Leaders who respect the lives and the rights of their constituents. Leaders who fear God...who really fear God...as in truly fear God.

I hope....I am praying for it.

Thank God!

I thank God for friends
I thank God for my Victory Christian Fellowship family
I thank God for Rianne
I thank God for Rhyss
I thank God for Carlo
I thank God for my TESDA-CAR family
I thank God for Jazel, Ate Kit, Ate Marife, Ate Daisy
I thank God for Homer's family who cares so much about my sister
I thank God for my small group - Kat, Aileen, Katrina, Ate Annie, Ate Janisal,
Ate Marie, Ate Gilda, Sarah
I thank God for my UP-IM friends
I thank God for Rianne's blockmates
I thank God for the Intercessory ministry
I thank God for Ate Julieta and Pastor Julius, Ate Rosy and Pastor Lino, Ate
Roselle, Perps, Ate Leila and Kuya Romy, Ate Kit and Kuya Jigs
I thank God for Ate Pia and Pastor Mike
I thank God for Lemuel
I thank God for Auntie Edna and Auntie Reina
I thank God for Uncle Aldong
I thank God for Lola Febe
I thank God for the Las-Ud family
I thank God for UCCP-Caba
I thank God for LGU-Bauang
I thank God for Sir Bobby and Ma'am Ruth Jo
I thank God for SPO1 Bernadette and Leo
I thank God for Manang Violy and Manong Danny
I thank God for Manang Maritess and Manong Tirso
I thank God for Manang Soling
I thank God for Manong Vic and Milyong
I thank God for Auntie Fe and her family and Auntie Tita
I thank God for the privilege of being raised up by Papa and Mama and for the
privilege being taken cared of by Lolo Kito
I thank God for everything that I am going through. I thank God for His grace.
I thank God for showing us favor. I thank God for He is sooo real.

I miss you mama!

Dear Ma, I am missing you so much. I still cannot sleep at night.
There is a pain I can't describe everytime I remember you.
I miss your phone calls every night.
You, knocking on the gate on a weekend.
You and I and Rhyss malling.
I miss texting you in the morning when I have to cook something I like but don't know how to.
Our "collaboration" against Rianne everytime she "breaks-up" with Homer.
It's silly but I ring your phone just to see your picture on my phone.
I wish I could remove your white hairs again.
I wish to hear your voice again.

Much as we want to fight for you, I get frustrated
The battle is tough. So tough that all I want to do now is wait on God's justice.
But praise God, in Him we have hope.
It really takes GRACE to forgive everyday, love, stand in faith.
I know you are happy where you are now.
But I really miss you sooooo much.

I know I love you. I know we're close.
But it was only when you were gone that I realized that you are one great source of my strength.
You are tough yet so gentle.
Remember how you were touched when I wrote you a letter that I could never be half as you are?
Yes...I could never be half as you are. I could never be strong, patient, kind, generous and loving as you are...but I really thank God for giving me a mother like you.
I miss you so much mama.
I love you very much.

http://gonewiththewave.blogspot.com/2007/09/he-killed-her.html

A Prayer with Jazel: Lord, Criminal Lawyer Please!

Father, thank you for your grace which never ceases to amaze us
We thank you that we always have hope in You
at this time, we hold fast to the truth that You are a just God
We are entering an unfamiliar ball game
We don't know whom to approach, we don't know who's on our side, we really don't know anything
but what is comforting is we have You on our side
Father, send Christine and her family to the right people who could help them
help us discern which decisions to make
We can't do this on ourselves, direct us to the right contacts, right people, at the right time
and when all these will be done, may the people around us know that You are God
we know that You are using this situation for Your divine purpose, we ask that You be ahead of us in the battle
we pray specifically for the talk of &&&&&& with Atty. &&&&&& this afternoon
we commit all the decisions that they will have to do to You
may the result be one that pleases You
give them wisdom Father, and may integrity prevail
in Jesus' name, Amen.

Lost?

Numb...sometimes I can't cry. The pain and the hurt is just so big and overwhelming no amount of tears can express it...


Unfocused...I have been consistently absent since I reported for work, unable to meet deadlines (I am not as fast and efficient). Rhyss has a total of 4 tardy marks in his handbook, forgotten 6x to put his snacks in his bag, forgotten n times to put his water jug for school, missed to check on his assignments a lot of times, failed to review him for quizzes several times. I failed to make 2 reaction papers in my Finance class...because I have this tendency to just stare in space...


Paranoid...I want to say "damn" all those people who are making it even harder for me. I want to say "the hell with them"...Meanwhile, I want to blacklist these numbers on my phone - 09219798078, 09282782916, 09215437813 - If you have nothing good to say, don't call or text. Get lost! I have nothing to do with you.


Hurt...too much!


Accused...maybe? I don't know...


Used...in a way?


Loved...so much.

My God is a big God!

I have every reason to feel worried, discouraged and frustrated. But I will trust in my God. I will never let them steal my peace and my joy.

Though war breaks out against me, even then will I be confident. I will be secured because my God is sovereign. My God is a big God. There is no one like Him.

How powerful are these people that everyone cringe upon hearing their name? Who are they that they are feared so much? How rich are they that they can buy everything? Are they gods? Is justice for the rich only?

But God said in Proverbs 29:16, When the wicked thrive, so does sin, but the righteous will see their downfall. I still have faith in my God. He is the same God that Abraham, Moses and Isaac worshipped. The same God who brought the Israelites out of Egypt. The same God who parted the red sea. The same God who helped David defeat Goliath. The same God that Paul obeyed and preached.

My God is a big God. My God is greater. There is always a day of reckoning. Who can escape his justice? Can they outgive God? NO. Can they buy God? NO. For me, the Lord is to be feared, not man. Vindication comes from God. Justice comes from Him alone. (Proverbs 29:26 Many seek an audience with a ruler, but it is from the Lord that man gets justice).

There is no Lawyer yet. We don't have money to pursue the case. I do fear for my family's safety. But God is a righteous God. He is faithful. God's word will come to pass.

What can I do now? I will sit back, relax. Pray. Trust God. Honor God. Advance His kingdom.