Be careful not to pay a high price for this world's bargains in exchange for what is worth keeping.

2006

I'm slowly getting a peak of what I and my family will face in 2006. But I know God is faithful. He has seen us through in 2005 and has showered us with with so much blessings, beyond what I expected, beyond what I ever asked.

I know my God is faithful. I will continue trusting in Him, believing in Him and loving Him.

I believe 2006 will be a year filled with abundance, favor and blessings.

Never Trust Anyone

Desperate time calls for desperate measures.

Guilty Mother Syndrome

I have always been guilty of leaving my son behind. And the feeling gets worse everytime people tell me: "aayyyy! bakit? how saaad", "I can't stand being away from my kids. Di ko kaya 'yan", "kawawa naman si rhyss", and a lot more stuff. But it's acceptable. And it makes me thinks twice whether or not my commitment and sense of responsibility towards my job is worth it.

Since Rhyss was eight months old, we only see each other during weekends. I was, at that time, deployed in Mountain Province. Carlo put up a business in Bauang. I could have opted for Rhyss to stay with me in Bontoc, but my husband and I decided against it. Carlo willingly took the responsibility of taking care of Rhyss. Given that his time was more flexible than mine. I called home everyday and I practically cried most of the time.

In 2002, I was already assigned at the Regional Office. I used to travel everyday. But it pains me all the more to leave the house so early, with Rhyss already sleeping and came home when he was already sleeping. But, I said, it's better because I get to sleep with my baby.

We moved to Baguio on February 2004 with the hope of bringing Rhyss with us. But with Carlo and I working, we could not find someone to take care of Rhyss, the same way we take care of him. So, we had no choice but to leave him to Auntie Edna. Of course she cannot stay in Baguio because she also has to take care of Lolo Kito and Lola Febe.

It's good he was able to spend summer last year and he comes to visit every now and then. I go home every Saturday and Carlo goes home during his day off on Thursdays.

I thought of quitting my job. But being practical dictates me not to.

Then I chanced upon an article in Working Mom. The author has the same dillemma that I have. But she certainly opened my eyes that there's no use being guilty. I realized I am working because of my son's future. My husband is working for Rhyss also. And it's not futile, I believe.

I always see to it that Rhyss and I spend quality time together despite the time. And I feel that my son still loves me very much even without him seeing me. I am comforted with the thought that whenever I am around, he chooses to stay beside me, he listens to me, and he always tells me he loves me even without me asking him to.

Yes, I miss Rhyss. I still pray that he will be able to stay with us by June. But, I no longer feel the pain that I used to feel. I am so assured that Rhyss loves me very much and he understands; and I am very much assured that he knows how I love him.

Pangingibang Bansa

Napakalaki ng aking pagnanasang makapangibang bansa noon. Una na rito ay para magkaroon ng malaking sweldo at makaipon. Gusto kong makapagpatayo ng malaking bahay, mapag-aral ang aking anak sa pinakamagandang eskwelahan sa Pilipinas, mabigyan din ang aking ina na wala ng ginawa kundi ang kumayod, at maipagpatayo ng bahay ang aking mga Lolo at Lola, kasama na ang aking auntie. Nais ko ring makapagpatayo ng isang negosyo na bubuhay sa amin at makapagpatayo ng isang Foundation na makakapagbigay ng tulong sa mga nangangailangan. Mahirap nga bang marating ang aking mga pinapangarap kung nandito lang ako sa Pilipinas? Nitong huli ay tumataas ang value ng peso laban sa dolyar. Kung noon ako ay nanghihinayang kapag ito ay nangyayari, ngayon ay may kaakibat na tuwa. Ito marahil ay epekto ng aking mga napanood: Filipinas at Milan. Nitong huli ko lang sila napanood. Mga pelikulang kung ituring ay mga "korni". Pero ito ang nakapagbukas ng aking isipan na hindi puro sarap lang ang mangibang bansa. Mahirap. Naisip kong ang pagtityaga na kailangan kong gawin doon ay kaya ko ring doblehin dito sa Pilipinas. Hindi ko kayang malayo sa aking anak, sa aking mga kapamilya kapalit ang limpak limpak na salapi. Magiging ipokrita naman siguro ako kung sasabihin kong ayokong marating ang Amerika. Sino bang may ayaw? Gusto ko ring pumunta sa Amerika pero ayaw kong maglagi doon. Kung ako ang papipiliin, mas gusto ko pa rin ang tumira dito sa ating bayan.

Grafted

Grafted. That is what my husband is to my family and that is what I am to his family. It's never easy to really be a part of another family. They may be civil, but you're not sure whether you're really accepted as part of the family. It's not easy. Never easy. More on the part of the one who belongs to that certain family. He always stands on the edge. Never wanting to hurt anyone. Always wanting for the other to belong. It needs nurturing...years to really grow and mature.

I am always sensitive to everything. I have seen my husband go through it (and still is going through it). I have experienced going through it. Our only difference perhaps is I know how to speak up and I am more sensitive.

Grafted. That's what will be to my sister's boyfriend. I did not make life hard for him. I went out of my way to befriend him. I went out of my way to let him feel he is accepted even if he was more aloof than friendly. I love my sister very much that's why. And I know, he completes her. So I have to accept him even if it was hard for me to do it. I learned to care for him. I tried hard to be friendly...to be close. I always wanted mine and my sister's relationship to grow, our closeness to stay and our love for each other to grow. That's why, whomever she chooses, I accept. Because I know fully well that not accepting the very person she chose to love and marry will not make her feel good (or devastate her?)

Grafted. That's what my Mom is to my Dad's family. It was only in my twenty's that I fully realized what my Mom went through to gain acceptance. And it took her almost 20 years to achieve that. She never said anything. Never complained. Never showed disrespect. She stood firm. More because she loves me and my sister that she wanted everything to be perfect in our eyes.

Grafted. That's what my Dad is to my Mom's family. He was never hard up in winning their love and respect. More because he knows pakikisama (I guess). I've never seen anything untoward...well, he's lucky. He's blessed.

Grafted. I don't really know where the boundary lies. If there is a certain limit. If one has to say stop. If one has to say enough.

Well, when you love, you never stop loving...

These are a few of my favorite things...

(in random order)

1. Watching Mulan with Rhyss
2. Watching Friends with Rianne & Rhyss
3. Dining out with Carlo
4. Shopping with my Mom
5. Twisted by Jessica Zafra
6. Pinapaitan & dinuguan of Auntie Edna
7. Ginataang palaka of Auntie Edna
8. Reading Midland Courier
9. Polvoron of Goldilocks
10. Blueberry cheesecake of Red Ribbon
11. Salad
12. Eating out with Lorie and Ate Marife

I miss my dad!

Christmas is the time of the year where I am always reminded of my Papa...it's the time of year where his absence is sorely felt. Add to it the effect of FPJ's funeral this morning. I kind of remembered how it was on April 16, 1998!

For 20 years in my life, he was always there to remind me of the activities on the day I was born...how he was fixing the windows while Mama was having her labor.

...how he would wake me up in the morning and greet me happy birthday and then go on with his monolog.

Six years...I still miss him very much. And I know, his memories will live on. He's my dad!