I woke up with a very painful tummy at 3am, wondering why. 

Then, I somehow related it with what I am going through right now.  Yes, I am in pain.  Yet, thank God for His peace and forgiveness.  

There is outpouring of challenges: in my marriage, in my son's academic standing in school.  But thank God for His grace.  I am in faith that He can turn around all these situations.  

O God, I miss them so

kasla ka la mother superior

kasla ka la takki nuang

even then!

di ka na naawa, di ka na nahabag...

I hate this girl!

super cat

homer, dahan dahan lang. malapit na ang birthday natin.

san fernando city market

united food palace

cafe esparanza's empanada

mama's imbagkal

mama's inkiwar

mama's palitaw

papa's ponsado

papa's sinigang na ulo ng fish

papa's bulalo

lolo's pinekkel nga rice

lolo's version of fresh milk

lola febe's rice coffee

mama's adobo

table and chair by lolo

study table with tansan for counting

magazines

newspapers

vacation in bauang

vacation in caba

picnics at villa navarro

Aaron

At 10:30 in the evening...

Me: Aaron, you go inside with Manong.

Aaron: Why?

Me: You go to sleep now.

Aaron: Why?

Aaron at 2 years old, and at 10:38 is still singing twinkle twinkle little star.

Faith Goal Number 1, Check!

Lord, thank you. It was indeed by your grace that I passed the two Sundays. I give you back all glory, honor, and praise. =)

My Romance with the Library

My romance with the library started last Monday, January 24, 2011. It is my first time to really sit down and read from 8am until 5.30pm. This is something I haven’t done ever since I started going to school. The library for me can only mean three things: it is a place where you borrow books; a place where you read journals, magazines and newspapers that you cannot afford to buy; and a place where you sit down while waiting for the next exam.
I took a leave from work for a week, without salary, just to stay in the library. That is six days to be exact (by the standards of the organization).
But a week without a salary was the least thing on my mind. My priority and my goal is to pass the Comprehensive Exams. This is the toughest exam, perhaps, that I will be taking my whole life. There were at least three friends who told me I shouldn’t take it if I’m not really ready. These three friends, are really friends. They know what they are saying because they have been there and were able to successfully hurdle the test.
My sister, who has fifty percent encouragement and fifty percent sarcasm in her blood , told me, “one week before the exams is what really matters” and threatened me that I should make good .
I have also my friend and my mentor who pushes me hard to really pass and there’s no excuse for me not to pass.
A friend and somebody who is like a mother to me told me that all the more that I should take the exam even if I am not that prepared. What I need to do is to review diligently for that one whole week. And she encouraged me that I could make it, for as long as I trust God.
I have a nine year old son who always prays at night for his mom to pass her major major exam.
So these were my motivations why I had a romance with the library. First day, I really had a hard time keeping myself awake. So I pee every once in a while, roam around, inspect (yes, inspect) the books neatly piled on the shelves, check books in their OPAC system. Those were my little recreations.
At exactly 11:30am, I leave my books in my chosen corner, go up to the canteen and eat lunch. I eat alone. I only have with me my eyes and my cell phone. I observe the students lining up for their meals. I observe what they eat, what they wear, how they group together. It’s a relief to see students wearing big backpacks, pants or pedal pushers, sleepers, sneakers, rubber shoes. They discuss about their lessons. They eat one and a half serving of rice for the girls and two servings of rice for the boys. They usually cluster in groups depending on their course, subject, organizations. I want to think that my observations are all true and correct. After lunch, I see students sitting in the corridors with their laptops, or with their orgs putting make up, then some of them playing a kids game. It’s so nice to just roam around the campus and observe.
Then I go back to the library, do my crossword first (something I haven’t done for years), then read then nap for 30 minutes. Yes, a nap. A super powerful nap. Then I go on reading. And I’m now getting the hang of it. Yes, I’m enjoying every moment now that I spend in my little corner.
At 5:30, I start packing my things. Then get the rest of my things at the baggage counter, have the library employee check my things and enjoy listening to the alarm go off as I go out. It’s my Strat book authored by David. I did not remove the price tag. And I do not also plan to remove the price tag. I am just so amused listening to the alarm.
Sunday is getting near. The results will be all up to God. My future is in His hands.

My Romance with the Library

My romance with the library started last Monday, January 24, 2011. It is my first time to really sit down and read from 8am until 5.30pm. This is something I haven’t done ever since I started going to school. The library for me can only mean three things: it is a place where you borrow books; a place where you read journals, magazines and newspapers that you cannot afford to buy; and a place where you sit down while waiting for the next exam.
I took a leave from work for a week, without salary, just to stay in the library. That is six days to be exact (by the standards of the organization).
But a week without a salary was the least thing on my mind. My priority and my goal is to pass the Comprehensive Exams. This is the toughest exam, perhaps, that I will be taking my whole life. There were at least three friends who told me I shouldn’t take it if I’m not really ready. These three friends, are really friends. They know what they are saying because they have been there and were able to successfully hurdle the test.
My sister, who has fifty percent encouragement and fifty percent sarcasm in her blood , told me, “one week before the exams is what really matters” and threatened me that I should make good .
I have also my friend and my mentor who pushes me hard to really pass and there’s no excuse for me not to pass.
A friend and somebody who is like a mother to me told me that all the more that I should take the exam even if I am not that prepared. What I need to do is to review diligently for that one whole week. And she encouraged me that I could make it, for as long as I trust God.
I have a nine year old son who always prays at night for his mom to pass her major major exam.
So these were my motivations why I had a romance with the library. First day, I really had a hard time keeping myself awake. So I pee every once in a while, roam around, inspect (yes, inspect) the books neatly piled on the shelves, check books in their OPAC system. Those were my little recreations.
At exactly 11:30am, I leave my books in my chosen corner, go up to the canteen and eat lunch. I eat alone. I only have with me my eyes and my cell phone. I observe the students lining up for their meals. I observe what they eat, what they wear, how they group together. It’s a relief to see students wearing big backpacks, pants or pedal pushers, sleepers, sneakers, rubber shoes. They discuss about their lessons. They eat one and a half serving of rice for the girls and two servings of rice for the boys. They usually cluster in groups depending on their course, subject, organizations. I want to think that my observations are all true and correct. After lunch, I see students sitting in the corridors with their laptops, or with their orgs putting make up, then some of them playing a kids game. It’s so nice to just roam around the campus and observe.
Then I go back to the library, do my crossword first (something I haven’t done for years), then read then nap for 30 minutes. Yes, a nap. A super powerful nap. Then I go on reading. And I’m now getting the hang of it. Yes, I’m enjoying every moment now that I spend in my little corner.
At 5:30, I start packing my things. Then get the rest of my things at the baggage counter, have the library employee check my things and enjoy listening to the alarm go off as I go out. It’s my Strat book authored by David. I did not remove the price tag. And I do not also plan to remove the price tag. I am just so amused listening to the alarm.
Sunday is getting near. The results will be all up to God. My future is in His hands.

Lord, let it be this year, please!

I am so tired. One week of reading and seven hours of exam. Not able to answer two numbers but quite confident with two, and a little confident with one. Lord, please, high pass for the three numbers.

Roffa Rolls!!!!

Lord, let it be this semester, please.

This is one of those days when I miss Mama and Papa so much.

I thank God for my near-perfect childhood. I was blessed to be raised by two wonderful people who taught me how to love simply by letting me feel loved. I will be forever grateful to these two people who gave their all for me and my sister. I thank them for teaching me and my sister to be always there for each other no matter what. I thank God for I learned responsibility and hard work by the examples that they have set. I praise God for giving me Mama and Papa who taught me how is it to be a parent - the greatest legacy that they have left.

Today, I just want to honor my Mama and Papa who have devoted their lives for me and my sister. I have seen how their lives revolved around me and Rianne, and how they have given their all for us. I will always miss my Papa's sweetness. It is from him that I learned that saying I love you need no special occasion. I will always miss and admire my Mama's silence and courage. Two different people...imperfect...but has so much complimented each other.

I will always love you Mama and Papa. I miss you both so much.

Happy Mothers' Day Ma. You're the best Mom ever!

Rianne made it! That makes me the proudest ate and Rhyss the proudest nephew. If mama and papa were here, they could have been the proudest parents; and if lolo and lola were here, they couldn't stop talking about it.

Some people are just so insensitive

Second person that I want to hit right on in the face.

She's giving an account of a "doctor" who allegedly saw my Mom on the day she died.

Apparently, the doctor who claimed to be there during that fateful day told her that my mom's color was already that of an ash and no longer has any blood on her body.

Where was that doctor? Did she get down on her car? Did she take vital signs of my mom? Did she touch her?

And this stupid girl still insists of the account of the doctor because she's a doctor because she knows the color of dead people.

Bleh! Did they see my mom when I saw her in the morgue?

Then out of sheer stupidity, this girl, who obviously don't know when to stop still asked how the case was going.

So I told her - I don't like to talk about it. (and I wanted to add, I don't want to discuss any single detail with you).

Obviously she is not my friend. A friend will never debate about the color of a dead woman...especially if she's my mother.

The first one was a lawyer.

I was there in the street during that day. I saw how nobody moved to help.

Helllllloooooooo!

How about you? Did you help? What did you do? You did not even take on the case, coward!

Oh, and I failed to mention. There's a third one -

The one who claimed a 2 year old girl said -

"papatayin ko silang lahat" (referring to those involved in the killings)

Yeah right!!! My son, the closest to my Mom, did not even think about that.

Clever. Clap! Clap! Clap!

Will I be faulted if I say I lost faith in the electoral process?

My parents both served as Municipal Treasurers.
My Papa in Caba, Burgos and Aringay
And Mama in Bagulin and Bauang.
I have seen how they served the elections -
They'd line up in the Capitol for the ballot boxes before the elections
Account for them and take responsibility over them
They'd come home in the wee hours of the morning right after the counting
Spending sleepless nights in the office.
I remember I'd often complain - during these times, we were "fatherless" and "motherless"
When all my classmates and friends, and all the children in the neighborhood spent time with their parents, my parents were in the "Munisipyo" working.

I also saw how they worked hard and with integrity
I grew accustomed with their work habits and values
And with them, I always look forward to every election.
New hope, voting wisely, making my vote count.

But it all changed on August 6, 2007.

My mom experienced the worst "election" of her life in the May 2007 elections.
She received all kinds of threats and harassment.
Of course she was also threatened. She feared not for her life, but for our lives.
She wouldn't even want us to go home and see her.

The night before the elections, somebody sprayed bullets in our house while we were sleeping
and my Mom in the "munisipyo"
We experienced having "security escorts"
And the rest was history.

My mom got killed because she stood up for the truth.
Or should I say, my mom got killed because she refused to do something that is against her values and morals.

The one who pulled the trigger is already in jail.
And it took me a very painstaking process.
But the one who asked the man to pull the trigger is still out...
...and seeking re-election.
I made my vote count in 2007...but still wasn't "heard".

Christmas is the time

I miss going home to Mama on a Christmas break; where I do nothing but sit down, sleep, prepare the table, eat and kwento kwento.

I miss opening surprise gifts from Mama and in return, Mama waiting for her gift from "Santa".

I miss the mornings of December 25 where Papa would always wake me up with his stories of how I was born, and him fixing the windows.

I miss Lolo Kito peeping on the door, checking whether the "kids" are already awake.

I miss eating at home without me having to wash the dishes but Lola Febe doing it instead.

I miss my childhood. I miss my family. I miss them so much.

I miss being embraced and hugged by Papa. I miss having late night chit chats with Mama. I miss cleaning Lolo Kito's nails. I miss Lola Febe's pride everytime she comes to know of the little things we do.

As I build my own family, I hope to build good and lasting memories for my children too.

My Rhyss, the doting kuya

Rhyss, you told auntie Rianne, you're going to sleep alone in the room when she gets married in December?

Yes, ma

Why, don't you like to go back to our room? You won't sleep with Mama and Papa anymore?

Yes, but it's okay with me. I want ading to experience what I experienced. Sleep with you also.

Oh, like sleeping with mama and papa for 8 years?

Yes.

The contraption called ankle support

I got a bad case of sprain yesterday, where I literally heard the krek krek krek on my left foot.

I woke up this morning with a swollen left ankle that made it hard for me to wake up.

Carlo brought me to the doctor...ortho.

The doctor then held my left foot, stretch, twist, stretch, twist. Showed us a big book with ligaments and tendons and bones and explained it so well why I twisted my ankle.

Then he brought out what he called ankle support.

So I said, ok ok ok. I like it. hmmm...looks like it will cost me only less than a thousand.

Ok, so next...

I showed him my right foot. I complained about the pain in my "dapan" (whatever you call it)

Then he said, it is most painful in the morning. Yes, yes, yes

He knocked it. Ouch, ouch, ouch

You know iha, this blah (I can't pronounce it, can't even memorize it) is most common to middle aged people and number 2, overweights.

Yeah right! I'm not middle aged...am I overweight? blah! Whatever!!!

I can't give you medicine. You said you're breastfeeding. Yes doctor. So how about it?

I can inject something. How much? How much Deb (referring to his secretary)

P1800 for the medicine, and P400 for the professional fee. Ok, I will come back on Saturday.

For the left foot, P2,900 all in all.

What a price for calling me overweight, eh?

Now I feel better. I have to. This contraption on my left foot has to work. Otherwise...

Otherwise I will just go back to the gym.

teacher, teacher, teacher

di pa ko nakacheck

di pa ko nakapagrecord

di pa ko nakagawa ng exam

cramming, cramming, cramming

di ko na naman nagawa ang paper ko

sa september 21 na last day ng admission

pati letter wala pa din ako

cramming, cramming, cramming

sarap kasing makipagkwentuhan lang kay rhyss

kargahin si bordabee

kumain, matulog

sana, sana, sana

kasana, dito na lang ako sa bahay

bukas tatanungin na naman ako

ano na ang level ng accomplishment?

ung board, gawa na ba? di ko na mamonitor ang massive training kit

ung liquidation natin for the iec ok na ba, nasubmit na ba sa neda?

nakapagsubmit na ba lahat ng reports? sa 5 na ang deadline, huli na naman tayo

wala! wala! wala!

I miss my Mom!

These are one of those days when I wish Mama were still here. One cough she hears on the phone and she would give you a list of do's and dont's, medicines that you can take, and her all time favorite - water therapy! Then the following day, she's already knocking at the door, literally dragging you to go to the doctor.

Yes, that's how mama was. I've been nursing my cough for almost a month now. I went to the doctor this morning (for the 2nd time, now a Pulmonologist) and was given a mask at P5 and gave me medicines not advisable for breastfeeding mothers. He told me - 7 days ka lang namang titigil magbreastfeed. Iniisip ko kasi ikaw. Tingnan mo ang itsura mo o para ka kasing kawawa. Hmmmmpppphhhhh! Tama ba un? Pero naman, in fairness, I really had fever this morning, can't talk properly, can't taste my food, throbbing headache, chest pains. If ony Mama were with me, we would be laughing our heart out after the visit.

Oh well, yes, I'm 31 years old. And I sincerely wish somebody were with me during my check up this morning...and I really trully miss my Mom....

Rianne is making up to it. She's always texting and reminding me how stubborn I am not to go to the doctor immediately.

I hope to rest this weekend. Sana...

Remembering Mama on her birthday

Carlo and I went to the cemetery yesterday. I was so touched to see the following:

So characteristically mama. Notice the cup of coffee? The numbers written there? We really had a good laugh!

Natalo tuloy ang flowers ni Aromin's. For those who remembered, thank you! You really know how to touch a daughter's heart.