I'm not wishing for a mansion or a swimming pool. I just a want trampoline in my backyard and a swing nearby where I can sit and watch my boys jump to their hearts delight and watch my flowers bloom beside the white picket fence.

I can never claim vindication if I haven't forgiven those who have offended me;

I haven't really forgiven if I gloat over my enemy's downfall

Dear Ate Marife,

While walking Aaron home from school yesterday, he reminded me about the Terry Fox run (which is today).

He went on to tell me the story about Terry Fox. A Canadian athlete who did a cross-Canada run to raise awareness and funds for Cancer research.  He did this with his right leg amputated due to a malignant tumor.

I thought, his story will end there. He remembered you. How you also battled Cancer with so much grace and with so much strength.

I guess, he knows you are so alike in many ways - cancer, passion, and the things you do for the causes that you believe in. Only a handul would know how the Run for Hope started - from your Social Marketing class, an idea from your student in your brainstorming session. And it came to pass. And it became a tradition in the very institution you have dedicated your life to after more than 15 years with the government.

Thank you for being an example of being selfless, for being a servant leader, and just working in the sidelines, without even a hint or a desire for recognition. Just a lot of fun and so much commitment to the causes you believe in.

Today, my boys are running (not a cross country run, but in their schools), remembering and missing you. I didn't know, until yesterday, how they can be stirred also for causes with respect to Cancer because of you.

We are singing the Terry Fox run song with so much fun, but with so much emotion too. My boys and I terribly miss you.

Today, August 6, 2016, I honor two women who loved and cared about me so much. Remembering them so dearly, and missing them still every day.

Ate Marife with my son Aaron

Ate Marife, a friend who stood by me through thick and thin; who selflessly gave her time, and gave up celebrating her birthday just to be with my sister and I on that fateful day of August 6, 2007.  The Ate who saw me through, who cheered me up, and lovingly corrected me when I am wrong. The Ate who willingly shared everything she has with me. A friend who knows so well how is it to be orphaned and how important it is to have a family.

She should be celebrating her 50th today. She must have been excited to be called golden girl. 

Mama with my son Rhyss

My Mom, whose life was taken away by somebody I do not even know. Where her only desire is for her to travel, dance, and spoil everyone she loves. A doting grandmother who wants to be called Mommy, and the mother that we so much adore. Her quiet strength and demeanor and her willingness to forgive no matter how hurt she may have been, made it easier for me to let go. It's 9 years now, the mastermind still unknown and the gunman eventually died in jail. But her voice still echoes, "bay-amon anak ko." 

Two women I hold dear. On the same day, my friend's birth and my mom's death. How will I ever forget August 6? 

Tabo

I need one.  

And I need it very badly. 

My husband assured me there is one. But it's not like the one I used back home. 

It has no handle. It is heavy. 

I just want the tabo similar to the ones I have back home. 

A friend said, you have to get used to using the shower to wash everything. 

I cannot. I simply can't. 

I need it to measure my shampoo.  

My mom used to tell me my hair will fall off if I put too much. 

I need it to "kawkaw."

The tabo gives me a feeling of completely cleaning everything. 

I need it to wash my face too!

I will look for one here. 

If I can't see one after a month, I will definitely eat ice cream. 

Look for the best size. 

And will have the tabo I have wanted since day one. 

Bittersweet. That's what it is.
Leaving behind foggy hills in exchange for snow capped mountains
Coats and snow boots instead of rain coats and plastic boots
Train rides from jeepney rides
And my list can go on and on
The food...yes, the food!
The Ilocana in me will always long for dinengdeng, pinapaitan, frog, padas, bagoong
The acculturated Igorota in me will always long for pinikpikan, etag, and home made fruit wine

But I am also excited with what God has in store for me and my family
You're going to a land of milk and honey, they say
Promised land?
And I'd say, my promised land is not where I am going
But my promised land is a sweet and happy marriage, a complete family
Because that is my inheritance, the only thing I desired and claimed since day 1
I fought for it long and hard...
and I tell you, it is the most difficult battle.
But, it also is where I say, victory was sweetest...
a conquered promise.

But with all the memories I will be bringing with me,
I am also looking forward to building more memories
The crackly brown leaf
Walkway lined up with trees - from green leaves to orange to brown
Until they're no more...and eventually, become green again.
A fascination I had since childhood
Picket fences painted white, lined up with flowers
Dandelions, parks, lakes, fishing

Indeed, there is a time for everything
And God made all things beautiful in His time.

It's been a while. I've been thinking a lot lately, and so into the things I so love to do. A friend said, I am too busy. And she posed a question that continues to echo in my ears: are you really leaving, or you are in denial that you are going?

There may be some truth to the latter. But I am just so excited to have my family whole again.

I thank God for all the memories we've shared

I am more than grateful, He allowed us to create too many of them, 

and you gave me too much to remember. 

Thank you for unselfishly sharing your time, your emotions, your love

to create those memories with me

You were always like a sister to me, the ate I never had

We have a language all on our own, 

and I was never ashamed of pouring out my heart to you.

I thank you for all those times you trusted me and for really 

being a friend and a sister

Losing you was just like losing my parents before

It is painful, but I have to let you go...

I know you are now dancing in streets of gold

Singing praises and dancing with joy

You have always told me that the chief end of man is to glorify God

and you did that in everything you do.

Thank you so much for being so much a part of my life, my boys, and my sister

I will never forget how you rushed to my side when I lost my Mom in a very tragic manner

because it was your birthday, and you chose to stay with me and my sister

You were always mindful, caring, and loving

putting others first before you

and even in your death, you were always mindful...

Thank you for loving me so much ate Marife

I may not be able to receive texts, happy birthdays, and merry Christmases from you anymore

We may not be able to spend hours talking anymore

but you have given me new family and friends - your siblings, your best friend

and they were all how you described them to me

Thank you for allowing me to be part of your world

for always being there...

You will always be one of my greatest blessings

You will always be one of my fondest memories

You will always be one of the best friends I've ever had.

I am commanded to love everyone, not condemn those who do not agree with me.

My opinions are just that, - opinions, regardless of where I got them from.  They are tiny, a speck compared to the immensity of God.  I cannot possibly have even the faintest idea of what God commands to other people. My only possible intelligent choice is to continuously open in love and acceptance. Today more than yesterday.

Then God reminded me the difference between happiness and joy.

Mentoring 101

A good coach won’t bring to you talent you don’t have, but he or she will help draw to the surface what may be dormant within you. – Jeff Caliguire

I always had a burning desire to reach out to the youth, and a passion to impact their lives positively. One of the few reasons I had when I jumped ship to the academe.

It is not the first time I took on the job of advising an organization. But this is the first time I worked with students who are very much willing to learn, excited to discover new things, and equates busy with challenge. I have never seen a group so committed they are willing to forego their own personal leisure just to get things done.

Values towards work is learned and acquired early on. We usually learn from our parents, or anyone, who, in a way or the other, become our first role model.

My personal mantra is that, I want to work with people who have the same degree of commitment that I have, with the same values, working on the things I believe in. I was always blessed to be part of a team, and learned from committed and dedicated individuals, who do not have “tired” and “hungry” in their vocabulary.  Having worked for more than ten years with the government, my experience redefined and refocused my respect towards government employees because I have seen them work hard to meet goals and deadlines, with the end in view of providing quality service. 

I was always the youngest in the team. And I was always drawn to friends who are several years older than I am. Now, I am the oldest in the team, and it is the first time I am seriously working with young people, teenagers with different personalities. 

Looking at the organization I am currently working with, they are way more mature than their age. Quite a revelation, because they used to be my students too; and looking at them now, I am rediscovering them in a different light. Their being so focused and committed towards work, is a far cry from who they were in my classroom.

Yes, I am so blessed and proud to work with them.  I am more than glad to have taken on the challenge, because I have not seen a group so determined, so focused, and so teachable.

It is my first time to really mentor full time. It fuels me to do more. Indeed, “he who refreshes others will himself be refreshed.”

The Leaders’ Convergence that included a talk from Dr. Kit Bonnet on Stewardship and Advising, inspired me to really be more focused.  What inspired me more is that, beyond the warm glow of helping them achieve their purpose, they can actually be impacted for the rest of their lives. And yes, it isn't all fun, but there are complications too. 

Advising can be seen as a thankless job – no overtime pay, no deloading, extra work, plus the dynamics of the team. Yet, I never thought about it. I was just too eager to take on the challenge, perhaps because, I was once like them.   

The heart of mentoring is being able to hone our mentees and advisees to be better than we are, achieving greater than what we were able to achieve. They are not our competition, not even our slaves or workers. They are placed under our care to nurture. We work together, stand by them.  A mentor or a coach, of course, can never bring about a talent that they do not have, but a good one will help draw to the surface what may be dormant in them. Mentoring is more familial rather than hierarchical. An organization must foster a caring and nurturing environment to facilitate learning. 

One thing I discovered, not everybody wants to be mentored. There are those who are very willing to be mentored, they absorb like sponge. You see them grow.   There are also those you want to mentor, but are not willing. One thing I have proven time and time again, leadership and the willingness to learn is not at all about IQ or high grades. But it is more of humility, EQ, and the heart to serve others.

I wait in expectation as they tread on the same path I have treaded.  It is always a delight to see them accomplish what I have accomplished when I was older, and that is enough reason for me to be excited and be happy for them. I am confident that when they finally are on their own, they have the right attitude and the right character towards work, and they will never be overwhelmed by gargantuan responsibilities. I wait in expectation as they win their own battles, better than I did when I was their age.  

The returns are implicit. It cannot be equated with any monetary benefit. If I have to put it theoretically, the utility is unbounded and the intrinsic value, based on a future series of dividends grow at a constant rate in perpetuity. Because investing so much time and effort, and a whole lot of emotions into a group of individuals not your own just to make things happen for them, is already a seed being planted.  And I guess, no matter how little we impact the lives of others, there will always be a multiplier effect.  

It was a tough and bumpy ride.   Fifteen years of a roller coaster ride.  It was all worth it.
God is indeed the third strand. 

I am in awe of God's faithfulness
He has prepared us so well for this season
Though I remember the betrayal, the hurt, the pain, the tears
They are but part of my battle scars now.
God is amazingly good!

Things I learned over the weekend

1. Humility always is the last weapon.
2. Build bridges rather than burn them.
3. God is sooo faithful.
4. I have waited this long, I can wait for a few more months.
5. God honors faith.
6. God is the God in and out of seasons. No matter what the season, He is always ahead.

The true brand of leadership is taking responsibility and accountability....definitely not blame shifting and weaving lies just to save face.

I am always fascinated with the changing seasons

And all the more fascinated with the colors of fall

Excite me more. Surprise me. 

Let me be prepared for the next season. 

Ma, Aaron wrote on Tita Daisy's wall. Even outside of our door.
Aaron, why did you do that? You have to clean those!
Ma, I'm sorry. My whiteboard is too small na kasi e.

When we start forgiving, we choose mercy over justice. We trust God that He is sovereign.  We trust Him to fight our battles.  And when we choose to forgive, we break the chain of ungrace, releasing us from bitterness, hatred and anger.

If you cannot be honest with verifiable facts, what else can you be honest about? How unprofessional can a professional be?

I am getting ready, I am getting excited.
There should be no room for fear and doubt.
It may not be exactly what I expected it to be
But I know I am getting there.
It's a new season!